DIX' SPORTING GOODS: ¡Yo Quiero My Free Taco!

Yes, in case you missed it, the Red Sox won the World Series.

Having not been around for 2004, I decided to see what all the fuss was about with the Rolling Rally—the post-World Series parade that takes the entire Red Sox players, players’ families, front office, etc. on a Duck Boat armada from Fenway, down Boylston, and ultimately to City Hall.

I packed myself into the Green Line train and followed the hordes out to Copley Square. As I emerged from the depths, I suddenly found myself submerged in a sea of blue and red, roaring with excitement for the passing motorcade. Then it hit me.

In my haste to celebrate the Red Sox victory, I had missed both breakfast and lunch and the hunger pangs were setting in with a vengeance.

I tried to distract myself with anything and everything around me—the “Re-sign Lowell” chants, Jonathan Papelbon’s jig, a sharply-dressed Manny Ramirez, the Dropkick Murphys, Jonathan Papelbon’s jig, Daisuke Matsuzaka’s translator Masa Hoshino ‘02, the list goes on.

But then I found my answer in the passing Duck Boat: Jacoby Ellsbury.

With his stolen base in Game Two, Ellsbury won every American a free taco from Taco Bell—earning him the nickname of “Tacoby Bellsbury” by Boston.com user Jeff Dockum—and said tacos could be claimed yesterday between 2 and 5 p.m.

When the hubbub of the parade had died down, I set out on my quest to find the closest Taco Bell—700 Commonwealth Avenue. On my way, I considered the effectiveness of such a promotion. How could a company get away with giving every person in America a free taco?

I recently learned that Jordan Furniture’s promotional reimbursement for any furniture purchased during the first two weeks of the season was covered by their insurance.

So why doesn’t Harvard Athletics set up something similar with local establishments? It makes enough sense.

If, say, Laura Mahon of the women’s volleyball team has double-digit kills, everyone gets a free slice from ‘Noch’s. Or if Andre' Akpan scores a goal, everyone gets a scoop at Herrell’s. Better yet, if Tommy Amaker leads Harvard basketball to an Ivy League title, the Coop reimburses everyone who purchased course books this semester.

I mean, it’s a win-win for everyone. It gets publicity for those sponsoring the promotions and it gets Harvard students interested in the sporting events, because who doesn’t love free stuff? I was convinced I had the next big thing for Harvard Athletics.

As I rounded the corner from Brookline onto Comm. Ave, I saw the Bell and it rang for me. But upon reaching the storefront, my foolproof plan came tumbling quickly and painfully down.

It was a mob scene.

Hundreds of people were trying to pack their way through the single front door, while a hapless police officer attempted to regulate. Stemming from the mass, a trail of people curved around the corner where more police officers looked to be quietly praying a riot didn’t erupt. Teams of local cable news camera vans were parked out front.

I stood there and watched the line—here, a guy was trying to do some reading for class, there, a girl was talking on her cell-phone to pass the time.

Elsewhere, I heard people trying painfully trying to convince themselves that the wait wasn’t worth the price of a two dollar taco.

One girl told me that, according to the officer manning the door, the expected wait time was about an hour and half.

I eventually left the scene, returning to Harvard for a b.good burger and fries. I’m pretty sure the meal would have tasted better if it was free because Doug Hewlett had three picks.

When I got back to my room, I learned that off the hundreds of thousands of Americans who got their hands on a free taco, Ellsbury himself had landed one.

I can’t think of a better guy to get a free taco.

Good work, Jacoby, you definitely earned it: for yourself and for almost everyone in America.

—Staff writer Dixon McPhillips can be reached at fmcphill@fas.harvard.edu.