Bawls to the Wawl

Hello, my name is Walt Howell. And I am a BAWLS-aholic.

I will drink a BAWLS in the morning, then I will drink a BAWLS at brunch, and then I will chug ten more BAWLS for a light pre-lunch snack.

By 11:30 a. m. every day, the falcon flies at midnight. California!

For if I could describe my life essence, that which completes me, sustains me, fulfills me to the fullest, in one word, that word would be BAWLS.

Check that, I’m going to use two: BAWLS-nasty.

You think I can’t use two words? I didn’t. That was one word. Hyphenated.

For the layman who knows not what this sweet elixir of life to be, let me explain. Let me explain real quick for you.

Imagine a dragon. Now, what if the dragon was the world. But the world is a dragon.

That’s BAWLS.

I drink a BAWLS to get crazy; I drink it to take a nap.

I drink a BAWLS for glory; I drink it when I take a crap.

I will drink a BAWLS to achieve nirvana. I have drunken a BAWLS to achieve nirvana.

I understand there are those out there who doubt me. They exist as naysayers, who would dare contend that BAWLS is nothing but a minor energy drink, too sweet for enjoyment, with guarana extract too mundane to have an effect.

But do you know what guarana even is? Some will tell you that it is the seed found in small Brazilian trees, which contains a thermogenic stimulant for the central nervous system.

That is a bald-faced lie.

Guarana is G-d’s glory juice.

Guarana is life.

One time, guarana took on Chuck Norris. The result: draw.

So the next time someone comes up to you and says, “BAWLS is nothing, it won’t make you crazy, awesome, or energized in the least, my good sir,” you punch that cat right in his mouth.

It’s science, so he must hate science. And anyone who hates science is no friend of mine. Because science rules.

I don’t know about you, but if anyone ever came up to me and said, “BAWLS sucks,” I would f’in’ kill him.

And I don’t know about you, but if anyone ever came up to me and said, “Suck BAWLS,” I would f’in’ say, “Gladly.”

Breaking news: as I am writing this article, I just discovered the cure for cancer—BAWLS.

In addition, BAWLS can function in many diverse ways. I drink BAWLS to 1) help me stay up and do homework, 2) have a jolly fun time with my closest friends, 3) quench my thirst, and 4) destroy justice, but then rediscover it anew, and make it a way more kickass version of justice.

BAWLS can do so much. My friend told me that this one time, BAWLS killed Hitler.

Speaking of BAWLS, I remember my first adventure with this sweet thirst-quencher. My friends and I went on a road trip across the United States last summer. We packed our clothes, sleeping bags, a tent, and four cases of BAWLS.

But after two days on the road, we had drunk every one. We needed more, or I was going to have to freak out big time.

We searched far and wide, wide and far, from Wapiti, Wyo. to Janesville, Wis.—and could not find the BAWLS we needed to survive.

But then we found our Mecca—Waco, Texas—the BAWLS bottling factory itself. I can’t tell you the end to this story, but let’s just say, now, I am 1/10th Spiderman.

Literally.

To conclude, I am really quite smitten with BAWLS. It does so much to help its community, its friends, and even the world.

You scared of death?

Don’t be. It’s taken care of.

(I’m not proud of this, but I wrote this entire article high—on BAWLS!)

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: BAWLS has been known to kill. Take cover if BAWLS ever charges you. If you dare, drink at your own risk. Only really, really crazy people drink BAWLS. You don’t want to get too crazy, now, do you?

Or do you?

—Walter E. Howell is a Government concentrator in Mather House. To our knowledge, he is the first person to use the words “G-d’s glory juice” in an Endpaper.