Dealing with Rooming Disasters

My freshman dorm room in Canaday was the least racially, culturally or ethnically diverse in our entryway, and arguably one of the least on campus.

We were five white, liberal girls from the geographical areas most represented at Harvard—California, New York, New Jersey and D.C. Despite this lack of regional, political or racial uniqueness, my roommates and I had profound differences in lifestyle—so much so that, midway through first semester, it became necessary for the Freshman Dean’s Office (FDO) to intervene and for one of us to move across campus.

As an eager first-year, this is probably the last story you want to hear as you look forward to meeting the people with whom you’ll spend the next nine months. However, my roommate experience has, in retrospect, provided a perspective worth sharing on conflict resolution, navigating the FDO, and handling the unique problems posed by living with complete strangers.

My superficially similar quintet was actually full of quirks and idiosyncrasies that could be endearing, annoying, or both at the same time. Within the first two hours of meeting one of my roommates, she was measuring out contact paper with which to line her dressers, because they were too dirty for her refined taste. Conversely, another of my roommates would leave piles of clothes in the common room, forget to do laundry for weeks, and then, rather than actually going to a washing machine, simply go sans underwear. I love them both regardless.

One of the most important concepts to accept early in your dorm life is the difference between irritating and inhospitable behavior. Different standards of cleanliness can cause eye-rolling and passive aggressive notes left on the white board; living habits that take a toll on your well-being can cause major emotional distress if left unaddressed.

Not far into the fall semester, our room had become an unbearably tense atmosphere of tears, public fights, sleepless nights, and slammed doors that left no one happy. I cannot begin to describe the issues the five of us personally had, nor would it be helpful at this point. At the most basic level, the conflict was a four-against-one situation regarding the quiet hours of our room and the schedules that we kept, only exacerbated by ancillary emotions surrounding the transition to college.

The problems became so difficult to handle largely because no one was to blame and no one thing was wrong: no one was trying to be hurtful or cruel; we just had different work habits and expectations. For a month we tried to compromise and tiptoe around the issues. Our rooming conflicts, however, began to affect profoundly the ability of our struggling roommate to work, sleep and coexist with the other four of us. Five young women who should have been friends barely spoke, rarely brought friends over, and could not feel at home in their own room.

We launched into mediation sessions with our proctor to discuss how to make our room work. It didn’t take long for us to learn that proctors are not infallible advisors. They are for the most part very nice graduate students who are too busy to effectively pair problems with solutions.

The only positive that emerged from these awkward conversations was the realization that honesty really is the best policy. Even though being candid was hurtful for all five of us—and particularly for the roommate at the center of the drama—it allowed us to recognize that our differences were irreconcilable. We became unified in our frustration that our proctor was not acting fast enough, and took our situation to the FDO ourselves.

As cliché as it may sound, if you are struggling with academics, social or living issues, cultivating a relationship with your freshman dean can be extremely beneficial. The Harvard administration gets a bad reputation for being mired in red tape and bureaucracy and not actually caring about students; however, we found our Dean absolutely committed to mediating our issues, balancing our options, and treating us like adults.

Despite the difficulty of the process and the hard decisions she had to make, one of the defining elements of my roommate’s freshman year was her close and positive relationship with her dean. No one will check in on you or give unsought advice, but if you are willing to be active and vocal, Harvard can provide a wealth of resources to get you through the possible pitfalls of freshman year.

My roommate did move to a single in another dorm, but ultimately took the spring semester off, largely because of the loneliness of the single. Privacy and quiet may appeal to you during intense conflicts, but moving out may also cause more harm than good. Consider carefully what the heart of your problem is, what outcome you really want, and how to best achieve this end.

It is impossible to say how we would have all fared if we had stayed together. All we can be certain of is that we did our best to be constructive and thoughtful. No matter how frustrated you become or how weird you think your roommates are, these are the people whose support you’ll need to handle the emotional complexities of living in a new place. Virtually every problem has a solution; use the bright young minds surrounding you to discover it.

—Staff writer Kristina M. Moore can be reached at moore2@fas.harvard.edu.