Screenshots: Brokeback Mountain

Did you know that there was an actual movie that inspired the internet preview “Brokeback to the Future?” It’s true—the film is called “Brokeback Mountain” and it’s out on DVD now, so you can finally get all the jokes. However, the movie itself is, to put it mildly, not a laugh-riot, so you might as well drink away the depression. Cuddle up with your favorite cowboy, pour yourself some whiskey, and…



TAKE A SHOT:

1. Whenever you see an unwise choice in hairstyle or facial hair. Three shots for Jake Gyllenhaal’s Pornstar Mustache of Bitterness.

2. Each time you want to tell Heath Ledger to stop mumbling and speak the hell up.

3. Whenever you hear those five twangy guitar notes of sadness that introduce and end every scene.

4. Each time you see a symbol of thwarted love (things to look for: fireworks, slaughtered sheep, empty roads).

5. Each minute without dialogue. If you don’t feel like timing, just drink each time it feels like ten minutes have passed without anybody saying anything.

6. Each scene you recognize from parodies.

7. Every time you cringe on behalf of the characters for their terrible, terrible decisions (i.e. the “Don’t make out with him in front of your wife, for God’s sake!” moment).

8. Whenever anyone throws a punch to prove his manliness.

9. Each time you feel like going shopping for Stetsons and cowboy boots. Remind yourself that they’d look ridiculous on you.

10. TAKE 3 SHOTS: when you hear the infamous, “I wish I knew how to quit you” line. Then say it over and over in different accents.

11. When you cry; admit it, the end got to you.

—Elisabeth J. Bloomberg