Screenshots: The Oscars

It’s that time of the year again, when all the stars of Hollywood, plus some sound editors and makeup artists, gather together to celebrate their own brilliance. The 78th Annual Academy Awards are this Sunday night, allowing the plebes to bask in the intoxicating aura of self-indulgence and questionably-dressed glamour emanating from the TV.

While the stars get to eat and drink (leading to at least one hilariously wasted acceptance speech) at the Golden Globes, they’re stuck in theater seats for the Oscars. You, on the other hand, are free to imbibe, so curl up in your sweatpants, pour yourself some Malibu, and follow this handy guide to drinking your way through the awards.



TAKE A SHOT:

1. Whenever host Jon Stewart mocks his own movie career.

2. Whenever someone thanks their lawyer or publicist. Four shots if they forget to thank their spouse.

3. Each time we’re treated to a shot of someone completely unconnected with the proceedings (prime suspects: Jack Nicholson, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts).

4. Whenever someone makes a peace sign or a completely unrelated, Bush-bashing acceptance speech.

5. Every time there’s a “Brokeback Mountain” joke. Three shots if it’s remotely funny.

6. Drink for the duration of the performance of nominated song “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”

7. Whenever the orchestra cuts someone off. Two shots if the person keeps talking. Three if he or she tells the orchestra to shut up.

8. Whenever someone flubs their teleprompter lines. Three shots if they try to improvise and are met with awkward silence.

9. Each time a loser tries but completely fails to look gracious in defeat.

10. Whenever you wonder whether someone’s attire was selected by a blind monkey.

11. Take four victory shots when it ends, an hour and a half later than scheduled. Admit to yourself that you were completely engrossed throughout.


--Lisa J. Bloomberg