User-Assisted Madness

It turns out you don’t have to stop looking at porn just because you’re worried that your girlfriend will find out from her UA lab partner that you’ve bookmarked PremiumBukkake.com.

The User Assistants (UAs) in the Personal Computer Clinic at the Science Center might be exposed to some pretty sick stuff on frozen laptop screens, but you don’t need to worry about having your fascination with naughty nurses made known to the public. When asked if the computers brought into the clinic ever had dirty pictures frozen onscreen, a UA who refused to give his name for fear of retribution laughed and grew evasive. “It sometimes does do that, but I don’t know if that would be right to bring up.” In theory, the UA who unfreezes your computer won’t spread your penchant for adult material around campus. But even if he wouldn’t tell FM exactly what depravity he’s encountered on student PCs, FM’s source admits that “a lot of personal data gets shown...because it is data backup sometimes there is personal data, take it as you will.”

But hot co-ed action isn’t what get these UAs turned on. When asked about the craziest thing he’d ever seen on the job, the UA’s mind didn’t go anywhere near the gutter. “Somebody once brought in an Apple Two computer who wanted data off his hard drive, because he had a spreadsheet in a format before Excel was invented...seeing an old computer like that, it was like an ancient piece of historic computer history.”

It’s naked hard drives, not naked first-timers, that turn UAs on. Rrrowr.