AROUND THE IVIES: Choose Your Own Ivy League Winners

My reading tastes in elementary school weren’t that sophisticated. I mean, I could’ve knocked off some Hemingway in fourth grade, but I chose not to. But nor did I incline toward the trashy Goosebumps or Mystic Mountain High (that’s made up, but you know the type) families.

So for a while, I tracked the adventures of Encyclopedia Brown, the finest sleuth this side of the Atlantic. A stretch with that endless series about the Boxcar Children. Then I turned my attention to the Redwall saga, those enchanting tales of mice slaying snakes and badgers wielding clubs and the entire abbey feasting on pot pies and drinking cordials far into the night.

And I was content. Sometimes, though, in the library for after-school (‘cause Hebrew School didn’t start till four), in between rounds of Truth or Dare, ignoring the screening of The Rescuers Down Under (as sweet as it is, they showed it every week), I might occasion a glance at the shelves.

And oh! What is this rare breed? A Choose Your Own Adventure book. Garbage, I knew, but oddly captivating. What autonomy!

I think I’ve been too dictatorial lately. Around the Ivies’ readers deserve more independence, and, let’s face it, I haven’t been successful enough with my picks to enforce linear narration.

Best of luck, choose wisely, and you might go 4-0. But beware the fire-breathing troll!

NO. 23 HARVARD (5-1, 2-1 Ivy) AT DARTMOUTH (1-5, 1-2)

Harvard, fresh off a heart-breaking defeat in Princeton on Saturday, hasn’t lost back-to-back games in over a year. Dartmouth, which picked up its first victory of the season against Columbia that same day, hasn’t won consecutive games since 2003. If that’s all you need to know, skip to the prediction. But if you’re not convinced that the Crimson will roll, keep reading.

This matchup features the second and third most efficient passers in the Ivy League, respectively, in Chris Pizzotti and the Big Green’s surprise senior Mike Fritz. Oh, wait, that’s right: Pizzotti got benched in favor of unsuspended classmate Liam O’Hagan, who threw two late interceptions in the Princeton game. If you don’t like to mess with success and are wary of plugging a rusty QB into the heart of the Ancient Eight title race, continue on for some more assurance. But if you remember that O’Hagan, in his prime last season, torched Dartmouth by running for two scores and throwing for another, you’re probably ready to advance to the conclusion.

Congratulations! By staying the course, you discovered a priceless bronze statue (a Payton Award?). Dartmouth’s best runner is its quarterback (Fritz is fifth in the Ivies in rushing yards). Harvard’s best runner is arguably the best runner in the entire freaking history of the league. Awesome Dawson stands just 338 yards away from breaking Ed Marinaro’s all-time Ivy rushing record. With a big day in Hanover, Clifton can set himself up to rewrite the books at home next week. If the Big Green allows 163 rushing yards per game on average, imagine the damage Awesome can do.

Prediction: Harvard 37, Dartmouth 13.

YALE (5-1, 3-0) VS. COLUMBIA (3-3, 0-3)

Your name is Yale. You’re an OK team through three games. A season-opening blowout at the hands of San Diego preceded narrow road wins at Cornell and Lafayette. You can a) have your two best offensive players get arrested or b) not. If you choose a, please proceed. If you choose b, skip to the last paragraph.

Good decision, Yale. You’ve been sprinkled with a healthy dose of destiny dust. Ever since stud sophomore running back Mike McLeod and quarterback Matt Polhemus got picked up by the po-po for fighting some hockey players, the Bulldogs are 3-0 and seem blessed. Two straight overtime wins suggest the protection of a friendly wizard but his magic might run out.

Your defense is suspect and an evil witch is brewing a pick-your-poison three-week spell of Brown, Princeton, and Harvard, of course, to close out the season. Work on the antidote during this tuneup.

You’re playing Columbia, silly. Even Dartmouth beats Columbia. With 13 points in three Ancient Eight contests, we can make that kind of joke about the Lions again.

Prediction: Yale 27, Columbia 6.

PENN (4-2, 2-1) VS. BROWN (2-4, 1-2)

You find a 21st-century time machine in the middle of I-95. If you want to set it for 2005, proceed to the next paragraph. If you want to transport to any other year in this millennium, go to the third paragraph.

Under super-competitive coach Phil Estes, Brown is an improving team with a lot of pride. With Zak DeOssie in the middle of their defense, the Bears have a chance to shut down Penn’s rushing attack and send the Quakers on a season-ending losing streak.

Paced by a defense that ranks towards the top of the Ivies in the major statistical categories, Penn is guaranteed to be in the thick of things until the final weekend. The team is led by a bruising tailback who shoulders much of the offensive burden. Plus, the Quakers are at their best at Franklin Field.

If you haven’t examined 2005 yet, go back and peek about: it’s all Kelly Clarkson and gay cowboys.

So, you’ve had a look around the decade. Which scenario does 2006 more closely resemble? Brown’s playing its best ball of the season, but if Penn wants to get back on the podium it can ill afford a second league loss.

Prediction: Penn 24, Brown 20.

CORNELL (2-4, 0-3) VS. NO. 18 PRINCETON (6-0, 3-0)

Wow. You’re in a fairy tale land. So pretty here. Don’t even bother with elective decision-making. Just sit back on the wings of a kindly dragon and enjoy this rainbow-shaded scenario while eating clouds made of cotton candy.

Princeton’s senior QB Jeff Terrell, an archetype of toughness and experience against Harvard last week, falters versus Cornell’s second-ranked pass defense. The Tigers’ vaunted defense, which held Clifton Dawson to just 64 yards on the ground, can not contain underrated and underused rusher Luke Siwula or mobile quarterback Nathan Ford.

The inconsistent Big Red is a good team at home and rises to the level of its competition.

Ace kicker Peter Zell fells the Tigers with a last-minute field goal.

Prediction: Cornell 19, Princeton 17.

Record to Date: 19-17.

Against the Spread: 16-20.

—Staff writer Jonathan Lehman can be reached at jlehman@fas.harvard.edu.