On Bowties and Skinny Jeans

Frankly, it is a tough job being a fashion columnist. One wouldn’t think so, but it actually takes up quite a bit of time. During the week, I periodically get hate mail from PETA and weirdoes from Canada. On the weekends, I get bombarded with fashion questions while I am pretending to have fun at whatever dank and uncivilized gathering I happen to be attending.

I mean, I have to congratulate the Harvard community on their collectively curious and persistent natures. They have a lot of questions about fashion and they are not afraid to express them. This is to their credit. Unfortunately, most Harvard students have very similar queries about their outfit choices. This forces me to recycle my witticisms. And I hate that.

Eventually, I decided that I needed to answer these questions in a mass forum. Thus I entreated my formidable reading public (which consists of roughly three people not including my mother) to ask me their most burning questions about the current trends, which promptly yielded this fabulous assortment:

Dear Rebecca,

Are non-tuxedo bow ties ever permissible, whether worn ironically or not?

—Bedeviled for Bowties

Dear Bedeviled for Bowties,

Bowties make people look like douche bags. This is just a fact about bowties. They endow 70-year-old men with an air of the ridiculous that is usually reserved for chimps that work for NASA. If they do this for septuagenarians, trust me when I say that they practically make 18 year olds look like Bill Nye the Science Guy.

This inalienable fact does not stop the men of Harvard from wearing bowties. In fact, before I came to Harvard, I was unaware that people who were not clowns actually wore bowties. Now, it seems that every time I walk to class I am confronted by some man wearing a bow tie whistling a piano sonata. It’s very strange. Harvard kids also seem to prefer their bowties in garish prints, like green with pink polka dots, or some mildly ironic permutation on traditionally preppy graphic themes, like embroidered anchors.

Now I won’t go into how preppiness of this sort is the death of fashion or anything like that, because this is neither the time nor the place. What I am going to say is that bowties are really dumb. Even if they are ironic. Because if some guy on the T sees you in your ironic bowtie, they will not get it, and they will certainly not stop to ponder your subtle lampoon of Nantucket and academia. They will instead think you are a douche bag, and I would not be able to defend you.

Love,

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

How do you feel about leggings? How do you feel about skinny jeans? I feel confused and slightly betrayed.

—Weirded out in Winthrop

Dear Weirded Out in Winthrop,

This was one of the most popular questions I received. It’s also a question that I myself have struggled with intensely. Last year, I wrote articles about both leggings and skinny jeans, and I concluded that I could never buy either of those pretentious items. This year I have 4 pairs of leggings and a pair of skinny jeans to my credit. But are regular women cursed to look like emo freaks in these items if we don’t have the thighs of newborn foal?

There are ways to make these trends work for every body type, but one has to be willing to adapt the trend to one’s actual figure and not the figure that one wishes to have. For example, if a person is very pear shaped, it is not a good idea to purchase extremely skinny jeans because it draws too much attention to your thigh and butt area. Instead, try to find a tapered pair that allows you to indulge in the trend while still balancing out your ass. The good news is that most people look excellent in black leggings, because they are naturally slimming, especially under a longer piece like a tunic or a dress.

Even though both leggings and skinny jeans can be excellent if done well, I understand your disappointment. There used to be something that separated me from characters in Jim Jaramusch films. Now there is nothing. But, we must go on, and hopefully this bullshit will blow over.

Love,

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

I really want to know if it’s okay to wear a short skirt over pants, if the pants are not tights, but regular jeans or normal width.

—Itching for the skirt/pants combo!

Dear Itching,

No. It is not okay.

Love,

Rebecca

I must say I really enjoyed answering everyone’s questions. There is nothing like exercising one’s authority when one has no right to do so. It must be how Britney Spears feels while caring for her children. If only for that opportunity, I thank you.