How to Deliver an Unexpected Infant

Because most Harvard students lack the rigorous ROTC training that would prepare them for emergency midwifery, FM has compiled a list of important things to keep in mind, should you, a blockmate or a passer-by go into emergency labor.

The first thing to remember, according to Harriet I. Torgerson, an ob-gyn nurse at University Health Services, is a simple string of numbers. “9-1-1. Seriously, call 911,” she advises.

While waiting for help to arrive, keep the mom-to-be talking. Topics to avoid include her bloated ankles, where her wedding ring is, and the amniotic fluid all over your new Pumas.

To avoid panicking, remind her (and yourself) that help is on the way. Keep her thoughts positive by asking about baby names; hide the look of horror on your face when she says “Cougar.”

Keep the birthing area as clean as possible. Ideally, spread out an ROTC sweatshirt, but, should one be unavailable, pages ripped from your never-cracked Ec 10 textbook will suffice.

Do not let the laboring mother eat or drink, tempting though it may be to pass around a flask to keep everyone calm. All the more for you this way.

Encourage the mother to breathe. “When people are in emergency situations like that, their instincts kick in,” says Torgerson, “but they tend to hold their breath because they’re stressed, so keep the mother breathing.”

If help still hasn’t arrived (what is taking so long?!?!), be prepared to ease the baby out and catch it. Do not, repeat, do not cut the umbilical cord. If applicable, wrap the baby in the ROTC sweatshirt you put down earlier.

Finally, tell the mother that you would be honored to have the baby named after you, saving little Cougar a lot of heartache in her middle school years.