'One Thing' is Missing

Uncharted Waters is taking on the TRL chart once again this week. Tragically, Amerie’s “One Thing” does not make an appearance which is an unspeakable CRIME because it might just be one of the best songs ever recorded. Written by the same genius who did “Crazy In Love” and shopped around first to Jennifer Lopez (who would have ruined it), this gem has landed in the dovelike hands of Amerie, a princess and a potential superstar with the best little bounce I’ve ever seen on BET. Better than Beyonce. Better. Most of what’s on this chart does not come close in quality, for a variety of reasons… which I will enumerate one by one.

10. Lindsay Lohan—Over

Lindsay’s skin has turned about as orange as Hulk Hogan’s and her singles keep fading apace. Amerie could kick the fertility out of her, I promise, and if only you guys watched more BET, you’d know it. “One Thing” is better than “Over” because Amerie goes “bing! bing! bing!!” in the pre-chorus, which is something that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t know how to do yet.

9. Green Day—Holiday

Billie Joe Armstrong in “next Bono” shockah!! Wears mostly black now, says “zieg heil and “kill the fags” in his songs but doesn’t mean it, except for ironically. Gets snotty ‘bout the government and keeps trying to roll with the media’s unsupported notion that American Idiot is somehow a political album. Amerie’s “One Thing” is better because the guitars sound like guitars instead of cardboard.

8. Gwen Stefani—Hollaback Girl

She’s no M.I.A. but at least she’s trying. No terrorist dad means no success all up on the blogosphere! Amerie is still better because she’s doing her own thing!!

7. Britney Spears—Do Somethin’

This song’s SUCH a stinker that to this day I can’t believe they chose it as the first single to what will likely be Britney’s last album in a long time. Perhaps “Do Somethin’” means “Get Preggers” (rimshot!!). “One Thing” is better in the same way that “Hit Me Baby One More Time” was better than a funeral march.

6. The Game ft. 50 Cent—Hate It Or Love It

A nearly perfect song—brilliant beat, slick chorus, and repeated references to the classic cartoon “Underdog,” which Amerie’s “One Thing” sadly lacks. Guess that’s the end of that “theme” for this week’s Uncharted Waters.

5. Ludacris—Number One Spot

Haha. Ludacris just saw Austin Powers on the USA Network and now he can’t quit talking about it, all repeating lines and saying “shag” in conversation. D’you guys see that movie though? Funny movie.

4. Eminem—Mockingbird

I listen to the beginning of this song and pretend that Eminem is talking to me. That he is my daddy, and that I am the little soldier he is addressing. As he eloquently puts it, we’re all we’ve got in this world—when it spins, when it swirls, when it whirls, when it twirls. I love you too, papa.

3. 50 Cent—Candy Shop

Amerie would not fall for this shit. She would seriously suck her teeth and peer over her eyeglasses at this clown until he took it all back. All class!

2. Snoop Dogg ft. Justin Timberlake—Signs

This song is incredible in every way. Justin says “don’t fuck with me” in the bright, sugary chorus, and Snoop talks about his “tone.” An undeniable, simple beat by the Neptunes and in fact, in fact, I think it might be every bit as good as “One Thing.” One of the best parts about it is that the JT cameo implies that there’s a new album on the way. And it also suggests that Snoop Dogg’s done trying to resist his place in the 2k5 landscape, embracing the clown shoes and teaming up with the greatest pop singer alive for a cheesy celebration of life. Snoop Dogg in cheesy celebration of life shockah!!!

1. Mariah Carey—It’s Like That

I think I might have gotten the wrong version of this, because the track I’m listening to has Fatman Scoop on it instead of Mariah Carey. Either way, this song is the pits and there’s no reason why Amerie should not be at the top of this chart. Signing off. Download “One Thing.”

—Staff writer Leon Neyfakh can be reached at neyfakh@fas.harvard.edu.