The Best Deuce in the Land
When the stress of classes and Harvard life is getting you down, there’s nothing like dropping a fat deuce. But when nature calls, you can’t just take off your pantaloons or unbutton your union suit anywhere (unless you have explosive diarrhea, in which case you have carte blanche to deuce on the floor). You want a place where you can take some time to relax and really enjoy the moment.
With that in mind, I have devised a list of the Top 5 Bathrooms at Harvard. Admittedly, it is rather male-centric, but after all, women don’t poop—except my mom, who drops bombs. Enjoy, be safe, and may all your deuces flow without blood.
5) Boylston Basement–The competition for the fifth spot was hotter than a post-Felipe’s feces because I decided it should represent the most solid standard bathroom. Boylston makes the grade with its large mirror, soft lighting, and intimate vibe.
4) Lamont 5th floor–The fourth best deuce in the land is the best jerk in the land. The floor-to-ceiling semi-soundproof walls separating each stall create personal cubicles wherein all sorts of “business” goes down. (For my few loyal fans out there, this is indeed the third straight article in which I’ve referenced beating off in Lamont. That’s real.)
3) Maxwell-Dworkin 2nd floor–The dark horse of the All-Deuce starting five, this personal bathroom is literally big enough to hold a monster truck rally. More importantly, it has a shower, so you can bathe before and ideally after. There is also a nice chair, so you can bring a friend to chat to while defecating.
2) Dana Palmer House–This old-fashioned house is a sure cure for homesickness, and perhaps the closest you’ll get to that sacred pleasure of pooping in your own home. A standard bathtub, toilet, and sink form the holy trinity of the domestic deuce.
1) Memorial Church–Holy shit, this bathroom is amazing! The throne where the Lord deuceth is clean enough to bear a Nun’s buttock, the marble skirting adds a touch of class, and the two toilets are arranged in perfect GP formation, creating a confessional of sorts. That will be 10 Our Fathers…and an extra five Hail Marys for what you just did!
Honorable mentions: Barker Center, Currier hallway, Dunster computer lab, my room, anywhere outside.
Worst: Cabot library. Not only is it disgusting, but the graffiti on the walls is actually debate about the war on Iraq. Who sits on the toilet and thinks, “I really want to share my beliefs about democracy with the next anonymous person who shits here.” More astounding is the fact that there is writing on the wall directly behind the bowl, suggesting that someone was so eager to scrawl their worthless opinions that he actually got up mid- or post-deuce to do so. Either that or he was deucing Slater-style, in which case he is powerful.