DEAR NIKKI: Confrontation

Dear Nikki,

My roommate, who is a good friend of mine, always sets his alarm for 7 a.m., and then hits snooze every 10 minutes until he finally gets up at noon. His lack of consideration for my own need for restful sleep is really irritating and I’m not sure how to approach the problem.

—Ruminating Roommate Dear Ruminating Roommate,

First, let’s count your blessings. Life could be worse: he could have a snoring problem. Nevertheless, I diagnose this as a definite “roommate conflict,” a very common ailment at Harvard College, or any place that lumps eclectic bunches of overachievers into small, confined spaces.

Indeed, the anticipation that accumulates before meeting one’s freshman year roommate has inspired much literature on the subject—from newspaper articles to self-help books. And though some believe that roommate problems will pass after blocking freshman spring, the problems do not end so early.

What I advise: Confrontation. In today’s world, that threatening four-syllable word harbors a strong negative connotation, and a “confrontational person” is perceived as a trouble-maker who should be strictly avoided.

Yet, I still am an avid supporter of this alleged menace. “Why?” you might ask. Because I am trying to start a “confrontation revolution” à la Che Guevara. It is true. And no, I am not trying to secretly alienate you from all of your friends in the process.

Confrontation has gotten its bad rep because people don’t execute it very well. But ambiguity is out. It is so last season. Spain is the new France, gold the new pink. And while it may be a bit uncomfortable at first, the only way to fully solve a problem and move past it is to face it directly and not passively. As my shrewd red-haired friend says, the most important thing we learn from James Bond movies is that you only live twice. And you should only hit the snooze button once.

In order to successfully engage in effective confrontation, it is important to think through how you’re feeling and about precisely what you will say to your roommate ahead of time. It is also crucial to always execute your chat in the first person, discussing how “I” feel instead of what “you” do. Perhaps even discuss your own trials and tribulations with the alarm clock.

It is important to keep in mind that roommate conflicts may involve deeper issues. And if you believe that your roommate is coping with something more serious than simply an inability to jump out of bed at 7 a.m., it may be important to seek outside help. Hopefully he’ll realize that no one actually wakes up three hours before class to finish up work, take a nice long shower and have a complete breakfast, right?

Sincerely,

Nikki, who lives with five roommates that rarely wake up at 7 a.m.

Dear Nikki,

I feel like I’m losing touch with my friends from high school. It’s been upsetting me lately because I feel like it’s happening mechanically without my control. I’ve been really enjoying everything at college but feel like I may be losing something really important as a consequence. Any suggestions?

—Bewildered Buddy

This is an especially difficult—and common—predicament, and one that I have also had to contemplate during my time at Harvard. The friends that shared our days of Trapper Keepers and bad haircuts are irreplaceable, and so it can be hard to cope with the reality that their place in your life is changing.

The important thing to keep in mind is that friendships do tend to ebb and flow. This reality doesn’t mean that you should lose all your remaining hope in the human race and your belief that real friendships last forever. But rather than trying to capture high school relationships in a bubble, you will appreciate those friendships more if you acknowledge that they will change. It is inescapable that different people will grow in different directions. Friendships are inherently evolutionary.

Remember that no matter how much a friendship changes, the core that matters won’t disappear. This question particularly hits home for me. For a variety of reasons, I have only spoken with my best friend from high school a handful of times this year. But despite that, we still understand each other in a way that no one else would be able to. And whenever we do see each other, it doesn’t take long for that awkward lull to pass over.

Remember that sometimes it is healthy and natural for the dynamic of a friendship to change over the years. At the same time, I understand that it can be upsetting to lose touch with people that you care about, and so you should definitely discuss this with your friends, because they are most likely experiencing similar feelings.

If you sense, however, that you are putting forth loads of effort into a friendship and getting not much back, it can be frustrating. This does not mean that your friends do not care about you, however. Keep in mind that everyone copes with transitions to college differently; so, give people time and space while letting them know that you’re there for them.

Despite all this, I’m not suggesting that you should halt all efforts in maintaining past friendships, but instead to reassess what it means to have a long-term friendship. If it’s been difficult to “chill” with your friends in person or speak over the phone, maybe try a group e-mail list—which is sometimes an easier way to stay in touch.

It is unlikely you’ll have the same relationships you have now ten years down the line...so be realistic. Think about it: It would be boring for a relationship to be caught in a state of stagnation. Friendships will inevitably change, but this change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And you’ll always have the Trapper Keepers.

Sincerely,

Nikki, sympathetically.

—”Dear Nikki” will run on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com. Letters will be published anonymously.