If You Don’t Stand a Chance With the 15 Hottest

You’ve realized that being an upperclassmen does not get you automatic coolness points. You don’t have a chance in hell with the 15 Hottest. But somewhere, somewhere out there, there must be a frosh for you.

FM’s guide to cradle robbing:

Lamont: There are always students “studying” here, but for extra potential, head on up to the sixth floor to the LRC (Language Resource Center). If the ability to speak a foreign language isn’t enough, try wearing the super-cool ’80s style headphones. Potential pickup lines include “voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” and “Tu es muy caliente ay ay ay,” but we might need a little help with that pronunciation. Surely a freshman would know where to inflect the “ay”...

Rating: 3/5

Sidewalk outside of a Final Club: Here you will find freshmen girls at their most “impressionable.” If your back is strong enough to pick her up, search the sidewalk outside the AD. Or for a real blow-out, sniff around the Spee for the right lady. Promise to show them your large endowment.

Rating: 5/5

The ’Berg: Though it is freshman-only for lunch and dinner, industrious upperclassmen can gain entry by getting a tabling permit for “important functions” or posing as a prefect.

Rating: 2/5

Loker Commons: Yeah, okay.

Rating: 1/5

Shuttle to the Quad: Looking for quantity? You can’t go wrong with the shuttle on a Saturday night. Here, you will find the highest freshman-to-cubic-inch (f/in^3) ratio anywhere on campus. Be sure to catch one before the wee hours. Your target’s sensitive stomach may not withstand the bumpy ride home.

Rating: 4/5