Spiced Ham (And)over-Achieving College Applicants

Andover junior Gabe Worgaftik has discovered the secret to getting into Harvard, and it’s not Model UN, math team, a 1600, or any permutation of said activities. It’s Spam.

In last month’s issue of The Phillipian, the elite Massachusetts boarding school’s weekly newspaper, Worgaftik spoofs the infamous college essay process in a parody piece entitled “Community Service.”

Though he is still months away from application deadlines, Worgaftik speaks with authority. “Perhaps you could write your essay in crayon,” Worgaftik writes, “or maybe you’ll write a 150-word essay on Spam so the Harvard Admissions board can finally see how deep and artistic you are.”

Worgaftik says he wrote the article in response to the small corps of Ivy-obsessed Andover students. “They’re very one-dimensional people in how they approach life,” Worgaftik says. “They’re almost clichés as people.” With more than a touch of satisfaction, he adds, “One senior I know took 11 APs last year and was deferred from Harvard.”

Yet Worgaftik’s propositions may not be as far-fetched as you think. William R. Fitzsimmons ’67, the Harvard dean of admissions and financial aid, has seen a smorgasbord of “creative” (read: bizarre) applications in his 30-plus years on the job.

“One applicant sent in a life-sized papier mâché model of himself,” Fitzsimmons says. Another student sought to display his skills in taxidermy to the admissions committee. “By the time the squirrel reached us,” the Dean says, “it was not in the best condition.”

And as for that infamous canned meat? “I don’t know, we may have had Spam,” Fitzsimmons says. If not, there’s always next fall.