Duff Beer vs. Duff Sisters

Harvard’s extension school requires no application: not a letter of recommendation, not a transcript, and certainly not an extensive analysis of ways in which the applicant does or does not resemble Duff Beer. That means that Hilary and Haylie Duff can pass off their recently-minted Harvard connections to the national media, no close-reading of resumes required—an injustice FM cannot let stand.

In absence of applications, we decided to err on the side of The Simpsons. What did we learn? Both Duff sets are addictive. Both are marketed without regard to human costs. Both require designated drivers. And this, as the following list makes perfectly clear, is just the beginning.

Sample Lyrics from Hit Song

Duff Beer“Little Land of Duff” Song. Sample lyrics: Duff beer for me/ Duff beer for you/ I’ll have a Duff/ You have one too. (Repeated endlessly).

Duff SistersRemake of “Our Lips Are Sealed” by The Go-Go’s for the “A Cinderella Story” soundtrack. Sample lyrics: It doesn’t matter what they say/ In the jealous games people play/ Hey, hey, hey/ Our lips are sealed.

Relationship to Fairy Tales

Duff BeerAt Duff Gardens, the Duff-sponsored amusement park, the seven Duffs roam: Tipsy, Queasy, Surly, Remorseful, Sleazy, Dizzy, Edgy.

Duff SistersHilary Duff starred in 2004’s modern update of A Cinderella Story.

Flavors of Duff

Duff BeerDuff, Duff Lite, Duff Dry, Raspberry Duff, Duff Dark, Tartar-Control Duff, Lady Duff, Duff Gummy Beers.

Duff SistersHilary (original) and Haylie (low-calorie spinoff).

Connection to Sketchy President

Duff BeerRichard Nixon tried to curry public favor by endorsing Duff.

Duff SistersHilary performed at George W. Bush’s inauguration youth concert on Jan. 18, 2005.

Hallucinations

Duff BeerLisa Simpson hallucinates after drinking the water in the “Little Land of Duff” ride at Duff Gardens, Duff Beer’s theme park.

Duff SistersMany a sketchy middle-aged man has hallucinated making love to one or both of the Duff sisters. Duff sandwich!

Mascots

Duff BeerDuffman.

Duff SistersBlonde bangs, massive breasts.