Uncharted Waters

There are several forces pulling at the Hit Single these days, with the convenience of myTunes reintroducing our short attention spans to the full-length LP and FM radio’s influence dwindling in college because none of us drive. Pop music now has to find other ways to seep into our consciousness—to find new, pulsing veins through which to get us addicted and to get these songs into our heads. I won’t claim to know how they do it, but Billboard must have its ways—because as slow-moving and tiresome as their weekly lists sometimes are, they’re usually dead on. For this reason, the national charts should be hawked and combed for the prettiest, the funniest, and the most modern on a regular basis. William “Bloody” Swygart of Stylus Magazine (big ups!) essentially invented this genre with his weekly rundown of the UK Top 20, and I warn you now that this Billboard adaptation won’t be nearly as good. Also, FYI, my favorite band is Eminem.

10. Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway

Reminds me of Sheryl Crow. I’d expect nothing less, I guess. Another one by this girl coming up next.

9. Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone

This is actually quite good! Could have been a really great single in Avril’s hands. It sounds familiar, and if I wasn’t such a busy dude I might look it up to see if it was a cover.

8. Snoop Dogg ft. Pharell – Drop It Like It’s Hot

Single of the year, so far. The video looks like an iPod commercial, and the minimalism of the beat makes me question even my own masterful production work on FruityLoops. “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” incidentally, is probably the Neptunes’ last gasp.

7. 50 Cent – Disco Inferno

Basically a remake of Lloyd Banks’ “On Fire.” No memorable lines, but I love it anyway. 50 Cent has developed an incredibly rhythmic, playful flow, and the new album might well top the first one. On a recent mixtape, 50 tells his detractors to go “record a fucking ‘We Are The World’ track or something.” He also tells them to get off the sidewalk, because as everybody knows, “the sidewalk is for pimping!”

6. The Game ft. 50 Cent – How We Do

A nice enough song. The whole album’s really pretty good. I can’t wait until Benzino or Ja Rule records a diss track calling him “The Gay” though. Probably won’t happen, but the unfortunate thing is, they’ve almost definitely thought of it.

5. Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boys ft. Ludacris and Usher—Lovers and Friends

This on the other hand is so fucking necessary. An amazing, unexpected followup to “Yeah!” which also happens to be a SLOW JAM SUNG IN PART BY LIL’ JON. Absolutely huge: Lil’ Jon solves the eternal problem of unrequited love by asking, very directly, “Are you sure you want to go this route? Let me know before I pull it out.” Who knew it could be so easy?

4. Green Day- Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Billie Joe Armstrong and company seem to have really matured. That said, it’s unclear why this is a useful development.

3. Destiny’s Child – Soldier ft. T.I. and Lil Wayne

A reunited Destiny bond over their adoration for thugs and roughnecks. Head Child Beyonce’s main squeeze Jay-Z, meanwhile, is sitting fat back home wearing a button-down shirt, being 35, and heading up a multinational corporation. The bootylicious one’s tastes in men are falling behind the times, it seems.

2. Ciara ft. Missy Elliot – (1, 2 Step)

I was listening to the radio back in Chicago and the DJ said that he’d just seen the video on MTV for this song, and apparently Ciara got “hell of fat!” This is hilarious. She already looked really awkward in the first video, feeling all kinds of uncomfortable on account of Petey Pablo mad-dogging her by the trailer. With a belly she’ll probably fall in a corner and convulse. This song is a massive (haha!) disco departure from “Goodies,” and the Missy Elliot cameo is pretty inexplicable. I love it though! The shout-outs to producer “Jazzy Fizzle” are a nice gesture. That guy’s had a hard year.

1. Mario – Let Me Love You

This is a terrible ending to what’s really been an uncharacteristically good top ten. Since the charts won’t change much by the time I do this again, I figure we might do a TRL rundown, or if we’re feeling technical, it could be the iTunes top downloads chart. In the meantime, a moment of silence for R&B newcomer and Chingy protégé Houston, who, in a fit of suicidal despair, gouged out his left eye last Thursday with a knife. He has since partially recovered, rediscovered his faith, and reaffirmed his will to live. I like that, indeed.