V.D. Revolution

Valentine’s Day at Harvard is kind of like the war on Iraq: while some people support it, I just find it depressing. Couples on this campus seem to have a penchant for flaunting their love affairs through egregious acts of hand-holding, P.D.A, and unreasonable trips to the dining hall in pajamas. A day that reinforces this couples’ self-aggrandizement while reminding most people of their perpetual loneliness seems unnecessary.

I know that I’m not the only one who sometimes wishes that Cupid would rotate his bow 180 degrees and deliver an arrow to his own face. It’s time to revolutionize the holiday and reclaim it for the masses. Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just be about reinforcing preexisting love affairs; it should be about hooking up with random people and somehow ending up with an unfathomable supply of “Sweethearts” candy. In the end, it is a pagan holiday, so let’s act like pagans, not self-satisfied assholes.

With these things in mind, I have devised a few ideas for first dates during the Valentine’s season.

The Location: Chuck E. Cheese’s.

The Target: A “fun” date.

Last year I went to Chuck E. Cheese’s for a friend’s 20th birthday. Looking back, a few things stand out in my mind. One is how sick I felt crawling through a maze of plastic tunnels after eating five slices of cake and drinking a liter of orange soda; my knees hurt, my back ached, and I felt lost and scared as the sight of two third-graders in Osh-Kosh-B’gosh barreled down on me and caused me to throw up a little bit in my mouth. The other thing I remember thinking is, “Wow, this would be a great date spot.” You might think this sounds absurd. “Chuck E. Cheese’s is for five-year-olds,” you’re probably saying to yourself.

Wrong. Let me school you to the game. When I told my mom and dad about this excursion, I gained some invaluable information. My mom informed me that Chucky used to grope the mothers at birthday parties, while my father’s immediate response was, “Do they still sell beer there?”

Beneath the innocuous facade lurks an underbelly of vice. This is exactly the quality that you’re looking for in a date spot. While it’s fun to play Whack-a-Mole, it’s more fun to get wasted and fondle each other in the ball pit.

The Location: Greenhouse/Dixon’s Hardware

The Target: Ballin’ on a Budget

While the dinner-and-movie routine is played, the Science Center Greenhouse/Dixon’s Hardware combo is surely the wave of the future.

Think before you judge: Is it really a coincidence that Valentine’s Day falls right at the beginning of a semester, when your BoardPlus is at its peak? That’s what I thought.

Start things off right with a couple of slices of the second best pizza in the Square (after Crazy Dough’s). If you’re feeling frisky, throw in some garlic knots for good measure. Next, take a leisurely stroll through the Yard. Talk about anything except for how the garlic knots make you feel. Point to Matthews and say, “You live there.”

Once you get to the Square, you can deliver the unforeseeable phantom punch: ice cream at Dixon’s Hardware. While a sundae at Herrell’s will set you back about $5, an ice cream at Dixon’s Hardware usually remains under the dollar mark. Baller status.

The Location: Dark room, listening to R. Kelly.

The Target: Whatever.

Sit in a dark room with R. Kelly’s greatest hits playing in the background. Things have about a 45 percent chance of heating up.