Two Harvard Students Walk Into A Bar...

Perhaps the best thing to come of the failed Wyclef concert is its replacement—“Comedy for a Cause 2005,” a Harvard Concert Commission (HCC)-organized benefit show to aid victims of the Oct. 8 earthquake in South Asia. The event, which will be at Sanders Theatre on Saturday, Dec. 10 at 8 p.m., will feature seven comedians, and is open to the general public. The HCC is aiming to raise $5,000 for “money, tents, clothes, and food” for the winter.

Oh, but enough with the mushy stuff. Let’s get to the funny.

We asked each comic to write us a joke beginning with the following line: “Two Harvard students walk into a bar…”

The results were eye-opening, to say the least.



Kevin Brennan:

Two Harvard students walk into a bar, but they don’t stay long because none of the other people in the bar ever matriculated at Harvard. It might not be funny, but you know it’s happened.

Kevin Brennan is an alumnus of “Saturday Night Live” as both a writer and performer. This year is shaping up to be his breakout year, having been voted “Best Comedian” by the Aspen Comedy Festival and having starred in his own HBO special. He appeared in an episode of “Spin City” that was voted as having one of the 50 Funniest TV Moments of All Time by TV Guide. He performs regularly on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” as well as on Letterman and “Last Call With Carson Daly.”



Mitch Fatel:

Two Harvard students walk into a bar, and one says to the other, “Boy it was really hard to get into Harvard, wasn’t it?” And the other one says, “I wouldn’t know…I’m a Kennedy.”

Mitch Fatel, according to his website, loves sex and muffins and is not retarded. His act has received acclaim from the Hollywood Reporter as “the next big thing,” and has appeared on “The Late Show with David Letterman” and “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.” He has released two CD’s of material—“Miniskirts and Muffins,” and more recently, “Super Retardo.”



Azhar Usman:

Two Harvard students walk into a bar, one underage and the other a Muslim. Therefore, one arrest and 50 lashes take place that night. After whipping the sinful Muslim to a bloody pulp, in what appears to be an amateur re-enactment of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion,” the Harvard cop asks: ‘How do you like them apples?’ This incident illustrates how tough Harvard cops can be, especially considering that the cop decided to enforce a strict medieval interpretation of Sharia law in Cambridge, for no apparent reason whatsoever, and that neither of the students was drinking.

Azhar Usman is one of the only American Muslim comedians on the international comedy scene. He is perhaps most famous for “Allah Made Me Funny: The Official Muslim Comedy Tour,” which he co-founded in 2004 with Preacher Moss, another Muslim comedian. “Allah Made Me Funny” has been praised in Time, Newsweek, The New York Times, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. In 2003, he released a CD. He is also a lawyer and lecturer on Muslim-American culture, with a Juris Doctorate from the University Of Minnesota.



Modi:

Two Harvard students walk into a bar. One says to the other: “I heard your roommate, the law student, is a homosexual.” The other replies: “You’re kidding! I’ve been banging him for 3 weeks. I had no idea he was a law student.”

Modi’s observational comedy has been praised by The Hollywood Reporter, the Montreal Comedy Festival, BackStage, Time Out New York, the New York Post, among other publications. He is a frequent contributor to “Fashion Police” in US magazine. His act has succeeded overseas as well, including performances in Europe and Israel. He has appeared on Comedy Central shows, BET, and “The Sopranos.”



Judah Friedlander:

I don’t do jokes about bars. Because I’m a role model to children.

Judah Friedlander is a self-described “comedian, national teen idol, international star of the silver screen, Navy SEAL, master of the martial arts, Bigfoot expert, [and] world champion.” He recently played an Independent Spirit Award-nominated supporting role as Toby in 2004’s “American Splendor.”



Todd Barry:

Two Harvard students walk into a bar. They’re about to order, then they realize that if they get too drunk, they’ll fail out of Harvard and end up at a state school, or worse, a shitty community college. They leave the bar.

Todd Barry has appeared in his own Comedy Central special, on Conan, Letterman, Leno, Carson Daly, “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, and the USO Comedy Tour. He was featured during the NY Friars Club Roast of Chevy Chase. His eclectic acting career includes many animated features, including roles on “Home Movies,” and “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.”



Lisa Lampanelli:

Two Harvard students walk into a bar. One student says to the bartender, “Fix me a drink befitting a Harvard man.” The bartender walks over to a U.S. senator seated at the end of the bar and whacks him off into a glass. The second Harvard student says, “Great! I haven’t had one of those since my admissions interview.”

Lisa Lampanelli has performed at the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson, the New York Friars’ Club Roast of Chevy Chase, and Comic View. The self-described “Lovable Queen of Mean,” was also prominently featured in this summer’s “The Aristocrats.” She recently released a CD/DVD of her aggressive comedy, “Take It Like A Man,” which debuted at #13 on the comedy charts.