Lifestyles of the Sexually Anxious

So much for the College’s ongoing efforts to ensure our mental and physical well-being.

Kim Airs, sex boutique owner and speaker at the Radcliffe Union of Students’ recent orgasm seminar, suggested two weeks ago that Harvard may be supplying students with condoms of dubious durability, The Crimson reported. Her claim: Lifestyles condoms barely meet federal safety guidelines.

Is that true? University Health Services says no, but when it comes to such matters, better to trust no one. Armed with a physics concentrator’s toolbox, a faucet, a few free-weights, and a gang of prophylactics (Durex, Trojan, and the suspect Lifestyles), FM decided to get to the bottom of the love-glove travesty.

First, we tested our condoms for “resistance” using an “ohmmeter.” Condom experts use ohmmeters to test condoms’ permeability. But their method is confusing. FM just hooked the condoms up jumper-cable style to see how much juice we could flow through them.

Lifestyle and Durex tied for first at 1.5 kilo-ohms. Trojan clocked in at 1.25 kilo-ohms. We’re not really sure what this means.

Next, we tested the structural integrity of the condoms with a water leak test. The results were shocking and mildly disturbing. After the prophylactics passed the FDA-standard 10-ounce test, we crammed them with 400 ounces of water—literally 40 times the usual amount—and each passed with flying colors. Zero breakage.

Because nothing weighs on you more than a broken condom, FM stole some free weights to test durability. By wrapping the condoms around the weights and hanging them from a doorknob, we discovered that Trojan managed to hold an unreal 13 pounds, while Lifestyle snapped after 8. Durex finished prematurely after 5 pounds.

If nothing else, these tests prove that Lifestyles condoms may not be your worst choice. They sure beat placing fate in the hands of Lady Fortuna.