DEAR NIKKI: Flowers and Fear

Dear Nikki,

There are times that I want to do something special for my girlfriend, but I don’t want to go overboard. Do you think it’s too old-fashioned to bring a girl flowers for no reason?

—Ruminating Romantic

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: you can almost never go wrong with flowers (especially pretty pink ones). Even if your girlfriend is the type that claims she cannot be won over by the “mushy gushy stuff,” I can guarantee that she will at least appreciate the gesture, and I’d say there’s a 90 percent chance that she will be tickled by it (if secretly).

The magic of the gift of flowers, however, is lost if executed improperly. The most catastrophic mistake (i.e. chivalric sin) is giving gifts in excess. There is a fine line between the propensity to charm and the susceptibility to suffocate. So tread carefully.

Timing is key. Make sure that the act of retrieving the flowers (if she should have to pick them up from the super’s office, for instance) is not inconvenient or annoying.

Quantity is also crucial to consider. You do not want 100 roses spread around her dorm room (though I don’t know why you would spend that kind of money on flowers anyway). There is a high probability that this will freak her out, except on very special occasions. A single flower is sweet. Half a dozen can be charming. A dozen is, of course, nice. Or be inventive: send 11 and hand-deliver the twelfth. So, the important take-away message from these figures: don’t go over a dozen. Always mind the freak-out factor.

By the way, it’s okay to give flowers to guys too. As the all-knowing Associate Dean of the College Judith H. Kidd wisely says: “flowers are a universal language and anybody should give flowers to anybody­—gender free—if they feel so moved! ”

So, keep in mind that everyone always will appreciate the occasional display of affection.

The most important part of the “flower gesture” is the state of mind that lies behind it. When you buy flowers for a girl, your intention should be to see a smile on her face. Translation: don’t shower her with gifts so she will gush about how wonderful and considerate you are. The effect will be lost if your act of chivalry is just a veiled attempt to earn extra points.

Sincerely,

Nikki, who will accept flowers from anyone any day.



Dear Nikki,

Ever since I’ve come to Harvard, I’ve had problems dealing with a fear I’ve been coping with for my whole life. What do you think the best way of coping with your worst fear is?

—Scared Sophomore


Kudos on taking step one: recognizing your fear. Everything is much simpler once you are clear about what it is that is bothering you. Step two is now to decide if you want to do something about it.

When in doubt, think Batman. It was not until Bruce Wayne confronted his fear of bats that he could embrace it and carry it with him toward his success as the oh-so-popular superhero.

Running away from your fear is the worst thing you can do. Whether we like it or not, fears are unfortunately not forces that you can simply get over but are instead elements of your life that you will be forced to cope with and address directly.

The reason this is hard is that most fears stem from doubt and uncertainty. But that doesn’t mean that you have to let them paralyze you.

It is not the reality of having fear, but instead the act of not dealing with your fear or dealing with your fear in unhealthy ways that will pose a problem.

Fear itself will not hold you back from success—just look at celebrities who have made it far in the midst of their phobias: Tennis player Andre Agassi reportedly has a phobia of spiders, actress Kim Basinger of open spaces, film director Alfred Hitchcock of eggs, and country star Lyle Lovett of cows.

So, moral of the story: you can be Alfred Hitchcock too. Maybe. But at the very least—whether your fear is large or small—it is something that you can live with and something that you should work with, and not against.

Take advantage of the student health services that Harvard has to offer. Even if you are skeptical about how much it will help, talking your feelings through with a professional will help you on your way. Asking advice from parents, close friends, or advisors can also be of help.

In traditional Buddhism, practices like meditation and breath-work have been successful solutions to calm fear. And in the end, it may indeed come down to taking a moment for yourself. As Dean of the College Benedict H. Gross ’71 says, “to cope with my worst fear—an interview with Crimson reporters—I take a deep breath.”

Sincerely,

Nikki, who was always too scared to watch “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” in middle school.



—“Dear Nikki” will run on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com. Letters will be published anonymously.