MARCH TO THE SEA: One Last Chance To Entertain My Fans

There is a lot of drama in this world. There is a lot of sadness. There is a lot of disappointment, heartache and boredom.

But in the world of the sports columnist, all that should change. Sure, there is a time and place for the sappy, overly-dramatic “my life sucks” Boston Red Sox column. But let’s be honest: This is sports. It’s a game and it’s supposed to be fun.

I have written my fair share of sports columns throughout the past four years. Before I sit down to write a column, I always remind myself of one important concept: Don’t be too serious. Even when tackling an issue like college admissions for athletes, I tried to write in a friendly, unimposing style. Who am I to say what we should do? My opinions are no more meaningful than anyone else’s ideas.

I have a confession to make. Some of the arguments I have made over the past four years have not squared with my actual beliefs. I know that occasionally, readers have disagreed with certain things I have written. Sometimes, I have even received angry e-mails from conscientious readers that needed to tell me off.

These e-mails were always satisfying to me, because I thought I had done my job. I had made someone think about a topic that was not related to the war in Iraq, problems with their families and friends, getting into graduate school, etc.

And I was never personally offended. Why? Because I was not necessarily personally invested in the argument. The goal of a sports columnist should not be to share all of his personal opinions with a wide audience. As I said, I’m just a dude who likes sports. Instead, the purpose of sports columns should be to offer an idea, fact or suggestion that enriches and promotes discourse. Man, I’m starting to sound like John Stuart Mill. This is getting too serious.

But sports are important, to many, many people. Just because something is meant for recreation does not make it frivolous. And for that reason, the job of sports columnist exists.

I’ve noticed that people seem to enjoy being happy. I hope my column has, at some point or another, made someone laugh or smile. A sports column is pleasure reading. It’s usually placed on the side of the sports page, screaming, “Here’s something you can read other than the headline news.”

It ain’t always easy to be funny or thought-provoking. It’s even harder to be fresh—to truly add something new to a discussion. ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons is the best I have encountered at pinpointing little things about seemingly irrelevant aspects of entertainment and explicitly explaining their absurdity. If you have never read him, please, please check him out. Sports fan or not, he is entertaining.

This should be the sports columnist’s other primary goal: Write to a wide audience. Who reads the sports page in The Crimson? Harvard athletes? Their parents? Sports fans in the student body? A professor eating lunch in the dining hall? A freshman with five minutes to spare in the bathroom?

The answer, of course, is all of the above. A sports column should offer something to everyone. Making a column accessible is not as easy as it sounds. You can do it by either writing on an issue with wide appeal or making a column funny. Everyone likes to laugh, regardless of topic.

This column, arguably, violates both of those principles. Besides other sportswriters, who cares about the ingredients to an interesting column? And, this has not been especially funny...

So, I hope to widen my base in my conclusion.

To Brenda Lee (See? Now this is interesting to Brenda. One more reader!), your half of our dueling columns during the first semester of this year always pushed me to be a better writer. Your insights and commentaries set a high standard for which I strove.

Ah, who am I kidding? I trounced you all year long. I’m talking, like, Mike Tyson over Peter McNeeley trounced. Just a brutal beating.

You thought I was going to get soft in my final column?

To Jon Paul Morosi, you are the most dedicated college-age sportswriter I have ever encountered. If any reader out there wants to be a sportswriter, seek out Mr. Morosi. Just don’t read his March 18, 2002 column (remember, “Jon” without the “H” when you type his name into The Crimson’s archives...). Bless you, boy.

Finally, to Red Sox nation: Your pain and suffering is a column writer’s dream. That’s the message I leave with you. Never stop losing. Never ever stop losing.

Good-bye readers. The March is over, the Sea is here.

OK, I just threw that line in there because I thought it would be a cool way to end the column, as if this was some touching moment or something. Come on! This is a sports column!

—Staff Writer Alex Sherman can be reached at sherman@post.harvard.edu.