MARCH TO THE SEA: A Glance Into The Crystal Ball

Time’s a-tickin’ on my tenure at this time-honored institution. Thus, I feel it is my duty to pass on a bit of wisdom for you fine folks on the coming athletic events of 2004.

Fellow undergraduates, for the first time in our lifetimes, a horse will win the Triple Crown. Smarty Jones is far and away the best horse in the field. I have watched every Kentucky Derby and Preakness since 1988 (OK, I missed the 1993 Preakness on account of a torrid love affair with a woman named Veronique in Buenos Aires). But never can I remember a horse being this dominant. If the field is only five or six at the Belmont Stakes, Smarty will become the first Triple Crown winner since Affirmed captured racing’s Holy Grail in 1978.

More importantly, Mr. Jones will win Visa’s Triple Crown Challenge, a $5 million bonus. Smarty’s going to be getting some phone calls from lady friends who may have blown him off a year or two ago. Oh, hi Smarty! Yeah, I just thought I’d call, you know, to say hi. I heard you won the Triple Crown, that’s great! Listen, I just got my tail done...

The Los Angeles Lakers will win the NBA Championship. I know this one isn’t too far-fetched or anything, but what happens after the team’s fourth championship in six years will be more interesting. Kobe’s trial begins in August, and supposedly, he wants out of L.A.

That’s a lot to handle in one offseason. My guess is that he stays a Laker, not only because L.A. will do everything to make him stay, but also because it is one less hassle for the guy. Philadelphia would make sense, however, given that Kobe could use the family support right now. Jerry Buss will say good riddance to Gary Payton, and Karl Malone will retire. Phil Jackson will also call it quits, leaving behind an out-of-shape Shaq and an aging cast of role players. The Lakers won’t win in 2005.

The New England Patriots will win the next seven Super Bowls. Every year that the Pats are good, Belichick will astutely trade his expendable players for first and second-round draft picks.

Hey, every other NFL team: I’ve got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite. It’s the system, stupid! Tebucky Jones was never that good—he succeeds because he’s playing in a great scheme. Ty Poole, David Givens, Dan Klecko—these guys are bit players. But dumb teams will see them as “winners” or “up-and-comers” and will continue to hand New England top picks, extending the first NFL dynasty of the tight salary-cap era. And in 2040, after the Patriots’ eleventy-billionth Super Bowl, 102-year old Charlie Weis will finally be offered a head coaching job.

The Calgary Flames will defeat the Tampa Bay Lightning to win the Stanley Cup. Why? Because I’ve always liked Calgary. They’re one of those “used to be good but has sucked the last 15 years and lost all its fans” teams. Now, the Red Sea is back in Calgary. Good for Canada.

Canadians are much more passionate about ice hockey than Americans, and they have not been represented in the Stanley Cup Finals since Vancouver in 1994. I’m happy for you, ya Labatt-drinkin’ socialized health care secular hosers.

Andre Agassi will not win this year’s French Open. In fact, he’ll lose in the first round to a guy who has never won an ATP match in his life. Yeah, I’m like that guy from that TV show “Early Edition.” Only in reverse: Instead of getting tomorrow’s newspaper today, I get yesterday’s newspaper.

And finally, the Red Sox will win the World Series. Hahahaha, no, I’m joking. Oh man, that gets me every time. No, they’ll lose horribly.

—Staff writer Alex M. Sherman can be reached at sherman@fas.harvard.edu. His column appears on alternate Tuesdays.