PREDICTIONS

Editorial Chair

Taking a play from George Bush, who just ran a series of campaign ads including images of 9/11, presidential candidate John Kerry will find his own tragedy to exploit as he depicts himself as the “Titanic candidate.”

Benjamin J. Toff ’05

Editorial Chair

As even more towns and cities across America begin issuing same-sex marriage liscenses, gay and lesbian “body snatchers” will infiltrate the heterosexual masses, converting their sexualities and dissolving their marriages.

Morgan R. Grice ’06

Asssociate Editorial Chair

Now that McDonald’s has gotten rid of Super-Sizing and added “healthier options,” Harvard University Dining Services will take a hint and start givng us “edible options.”

Travis R. Kavulla ’06

Asssociate Editorial Chair

Having clinched the party nod, John Kerry will work wonders with swing voters employing the trademark populism and down-to-earth demeanor that could only come from a good ol’ boy Mass. Democrat.

Margaret M. Rossman ’06

Asssociate Editorial Chair

President Bush will continue channeling the spirit of the Great and Powerful Oz, since “he knows all,” to save the world. Americans will be fulfilled without details, choosing to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Simon W. Vozick-Levinson ’06

Asssociate Editorial Chair

A friendly email or thirty from “the management” at harvard.edu will convince campus gadflies at last that Harvard values one-on-one contact between students and their academic advisers. Suckas!

Jessica E. Schumer ’06

Guest Predictor: Photography Chair

After rating the plate of University President Lawrence H. Summers, Harvard University Dining Services will desert the dining halls and refocus its National Nutrition Month campaign on the Faculty Club.