KING JAMES BIBLE: Zen And The Art Of Ivy Athletics

And at that moment I had an epiphany. The topics that had been discussed during my three Wednesday sections weren’t about government or Greek civilization or economics.

Maybe on the surface they were, but there was a deeper meaning to them all.

As I closed my eyes, I no longer saw a room full of students eager to prove that they had completed 200 pages of reading by spouting off facts from the three pages that they had managed to scan before class or from the lecture notes they had jotted down while slipping in and out of a soporific state.

For a second, the banter in the room synched up directly with what I would expect to hear from an athlete, a coach, or a team in general. I could match specific quotes with actual events that have happened this year to Harvard and other schools around the Ivy League. In an attempt to help you reach this state of nirvana, I’m going to share with you some of the sound bytes and references from my experience in a veritable “Section Twilight Zone.”

“We don’t find them to be threatening.”

Undoubtedly, these were the sentiments of the Yale and Cornell men’s basketball teams in preparation for their matchups with Harvard. On consecutive Saturday nights, the Crimson handed both teams their fourth Ivy losses—which, with respect to the league title, is about as lethal as the Ebola virus. Hopefully, Harvard’s next two Saturday night opponents—Brown and Penn—adopt a different policy or they too could have their seasons spoiled—not unlike that bottle of milk that’s been in our trash for two months now.

“Not unlike the rock star that shows up to your hometown and says ‘Hello, Boston, glad to be here.’”

One can only think of the Cornell men’s hockey team to fit this billing. Seemingly every year the squad—and its obnoxious fans—storm Bright and turn it into Lynah East. The unkempt wreckage they leave behind in the form of a despondent hockey team is not unlike that of the five-star hotel room after (insert favorite heavy metal band here) checks out.

“If you can punish them for misbehaving, then you don’t care, because you have a capable means of deterrence.”

This could only be a reference to Angela Ruggiero and her 63 penalty minutes this season. Ruggiero has spent just seven minutes less in the box than numbers two through four on the PIM list combined. It doesn’t seem to bother her, though. She’s the career scoring leader for the Crimson—by 87 points. By the way, did I mention she’s a defenseman?

“They have not consolidated power at home, so they have to express their power on the road.”

Back to the Cornell men’s basketball team. The Big Red got off to an amazing start in Ivy play this season, winning its four of its first five road contests en route to a 5-1 start. Since returning home to Newman Arena, Cornell has tanked, dropping three of its last four for a 4-1 road record and a 2-3 home mark. I have an explanation. They play in Ithaca. I mean, they probably play better on the road because they’re excited to see actual people.

“Switzerland has no business going to war with anyone else.”

Break out your corkscrew pocket knives, Big Green faithful. Your men’s hoops team is the new Switzerland of the Ivy League. And with the rest of the league moving up relative to Dartmouth, the Big Green might want to look into watch manufacturing as well, because it appears they’ll be relegated to such status for the immediate future.

“The beginning is important too, because it’s where it begins.”

The Harvard men’s hockey team took to disproving this point with an amazing 7-5 victory on the road at Yale earlier this month. Despite spotting the Bulldogs a 4-0 first intermission advantage—which prompted WHRB to declare that the men’s hockey team had reached a new “rock bottom”—and a 5-1 lead midway through the second period, the Crimson scored six unanswered goals to overtake Yale for a shocking win.

“Realism assumes that if I win, you have to lose, but this assumption of the zero-sum game precludes the fact that things can benefit both parties.”

Dartmouth wants you to know that hockey is most definitely not a zero-sum game. The Big Green has skated to ties—and thus each side has left with a point—nine times in just 27 games. Every third night Dartmouth takes the ice, skates around for 65 minutes, throws up the white flag and forms a truce with its opponent. If I knew that I had essentially the same chance of seeing a draw as either a win or a loss, I’d stay home. Apparently 4000 strong in Hanover disagree with me. (Are there even 4000 people in Hanover?)

So, you thought they were trying to teach you about existentialism or modernism or chemistry…ism. Nope, they weren’t. You see, sections are all just a subconscious effort to increase your awareness about Harvard sports and Ivy League athletics in general. Either that or I’m just really bored.

—Staff writer Michael R. James can be reached at mrjames@fas.harvard.edu. His column appears every Friday./