Cheese All That: The Real Reason for Bush's Moon Exploration

President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon and has increased NASA funding. Yeah, he says he’s got the best interests of science in mind.

But FM harbors the suspicion that Bush is just in it for the cheese. We set out to ask the nation’s best and brightest what planetary dairy we might find on the moon.

John B. Walsh '04 proclaims that the moon is most certainly made of muenster. Sasha G. Weiss '05 speculates that our celestial sister is really gorgonzola, “because it’s kind of green and decayed-looking.” Meanwhile, Nate F. Rogers '05 recalls the findings of the recent Wallace and Gromit moon exploration. Although the British claymation man-and-dog team hoped for “a nice bit of Gorgonzola,” they found that the moon was, in fact, made of Wensleydale cheese, a flaky, creamy variety from Yorkshire.

But who is to say space exploration has an English accent? Feilin A. Zhu '06 wryly suggests that the moon is, in fact, a big ball of American cheese, while Hannah E. Wright '06 finds herself at a loss: “Ask somebody from Wisconsin.”

To set the record straight, FM decided to consult an expert: Oken Stroh, deli-meister at Cardullo’s Gourmet. Stroh maintains that lunar cheese is undoubtedly hard, like parmesan. Maybe a Gruyère, he muses, or a Comet (pronounced co-may, comme les français). Then revelation strikes: Appenzeller, a firm, full-flavored Swiss. Just the right texture and bouquet.

The American public worries that the moon initiative puts too much strain on the national budget, and the American public may be right. With the moon weighing in at 162 sexillion pounds, and Appenzeller selling for $14.99 a pound, buying the moon at Cardullo’s would set the US back $2.4 septillion. Outrageous, the prices in the Square these days.