Room Raiders
By Laura H. Owen
In the summer prior to freshman year, students anxious to stand out among their illustrious peers zero in on a way to differentiate themselves: shopping. From Bed, Bath and Beyond to thrift shops, Crate and Barrel to Urban Outfitters, pre-frosh scour through dozens of packages of extra-long twin sheets.
They thumb through pages of posters, hoping to find that vintage Animal House print that will stand out amidst the flood of reissues. For many, dorm room decorating is a chance to reinvent oneself—a time to break away from the pink sheets and stuffed animal smorgasbords of one’s past and inform the world, or at least the entryway, about the complex enigma they are so privileged to have in their midst.
THE TASK
Succeeding in such an endeavor, however, is a different matter entirely. FM put this conventional notion to the test in the style of MTV’s Room Raiders. We challenged Wesley H. Kauble ’06 to choose a dream date out of a pool of eager sweethearts based solely on their interpretations of standard-issue university housing. Kauble, a lightweight rower and Undergraduate Council dynamo, purchased a car dealership with his winnings on NBC’s Weakest Link in his junior year of high school. But can a wide array of interests and experiences help him correctly decipher his true love based on her underwear drawer?
THE GIRLS
Lindsay A. Jewell ’05, Quincy 326
Theme: Lots of purple and lots of Monet
Closet: Lindsay’s closet radiates Hold Everything/Pottery Barn. “[She’s] certainly into organization and being neat,” Kauble says.
Shelves: Excavating through her shelves, he finds a yoga mat. “She does yoga,” he muses. “Maybe she’s flexible.”
Dresser: Kauble is immediately struck by the “variety” in Jewell’s underwear drawer. He moves down toward her shirt and pajama drawers. He picks up a miniscule baby T-shirt emblazoned with the letters “DG” on it and quips, “She’s a little smaller than me.”
Desk: Kauble investigates Jewell’s day planner. A reminder to visit “Kori” in Adams catches his eye. “K-O-R-I. Probably a girl, but we can’t be sure. Her handwriting is really nice, which matters, I think.”
Kauble’s impression: Kauble finds Jewell’s keen sense of organization to be the most striking aspect of her room—a contrast to his self-described messiness. “She’d probably want a lot of control with the date—to know exactly where we’re going to dinner and when, what movie we’re going to see.” In spite of their divergent living styles, Kauble remains interested. “She looks like she has fun and has a lot of friends.”
Camille I. Johnson ’06, Quincy D-11
Theme: Eclectic. Old records hang on the walls. Crayon scrawls illuminate the windows. “Probably a pretty creative person,” Kauble says, intrigued.
Clothes: Ties, button-down shirts and tasteful dresses fill the closet.
Dresser: In her jewelry box, he finds a horse pin, pearls and a seemingly international bracelet. “So here’s her bling! She’s out of control!” he exclaims.
Desk: Johnson appears to enjoy a variety of regional interests. “Lots of tickets from French museums,” Kauble observes. Pointing to a Bonnie Raitt/Lyle Lovett ticket stub, he notes, “She likes old country music. Maybe she’s from Nashville.” In the desk drawer, he finds a number of postcards and papers. “Uh-oh. ‘Love Brian’ [he reads on a postcard]. There’s a ‘Brian’ in her life. Looks like her ex-boyfriend of sorts, based on what he wrote.”
Music: Johnson’s CD collection includes U2, Indigo Girls, Christmas music and various mixes made by friends, including “Bump It In Da Club.” Kauble plays “Camille’s Special Mix” on her stereo. “This is a really good mix. Off the chain!”
Thoughts: Kauble sees Johnson as an intriguing paradox. “She’d probably be a really fun date. She seems really cultured. She’d probably want to go to the club, based on her mix.”
Jessica L. Jones ’06, Mather 311
Theme: Movies, particularly Lord of the Rings. A cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom [Legolas of Lord of the Rings] welcomes visitors. Cinematic posters, including those of James Bond and Star Wars, cover the walls.
Dresser: “She has nice underwear,” Kauble says appreciatively. “Here’s a nice lace bra, if you will.” He continues to thoroughly explore her underwear drawer. In a lower drawer, he discovers a jumbo box of condoms. He counts them. “Well, more than half are left. And the box looks old.”
Desk: Jones appears to be an avid reader. Her bookshelf includes Al Franken’s recent Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, Beginners’ Swedish, and a collection of Steven Pinker books. Kauble happens upon a ball of yarn. “Oh, she’s a knitter!” he exclaims. Upon further exploration, more balls of yarn emerge. “She’s obviously going all out on this—she’s got three balls of this shit! She must be making a whole wardrobe,” Kauble exclaims.
Music: Jones’s iTunes playlist includes Green Day, the Beach Boys, the Cardigans and The Doors.
Thoughts: Kauble finds Jones to be a promising match. “She really likes movies and I really like movies, so that’s definitely a good thing. And I like the Lord of the Rings, not as compulsively as she likes it, but that’s okay.” Orlando Bloom does not threaten Kauble’s masculinity. “I think I measure up well with [Bloom]. Sean Connery outdoes me, but Orlando—he’s nothing. Little elf.”
THE VERDICT
Based on her interest in movies, and even more on a fascination with her underwear selections, Kauble decides that Jones is the best fit for him. The two share a Sunday night dinner at Sandrine’s, followed by dessert at Finale. FM leaves them to their own devices, anxiously awaiting their post-date reports.
THE REPORT
Jones: A blind-date virgin, Jessica had looked Kauble up in the Cabot online facebook prior to the date. “I thought that he looked like ‘The Rock’ from professional wrestling. But in real life he was very normal, hot even,” she says.
Despite having a good time, Jones didn’t feel a spark. “We’re just not a very good match,” she says. “He has a strong personality and so do I, but not really in the same direction. He’s the epitome of ‘Old Harvard’—a government concentrator who rows crew, serves on the UC and never lets girls pick up the tab on a date.” Jones sees herself as transcending the Harvard stereotype. “I’m just a little more off-beat than that. I love rugby, James Bond movies, poker, feminism and finding great old clothes at thrift stores. I don’t have a perfect manicure or one of the matching pearl necklace and earring sets that seem so abundant here. The date went all right, but I don’t really see a second one in my future.”
Kauble: Kauble was similarly impressed with Jones. “She has a very bubbly personality and kept me entertained throughout the night with humorous anecdotes about everything from her high school quiz bowl team to her love for James Bond movies. There was never a lapse in the conversation,” he says. However, he does not foresee a future, at least not romantically. “I had a great time on the date, but I don’t think that [Jones] and I had the type of connection necessary for a relationship. However, she is a wonderful person and I hope to pursue a friendship with her in the future.”
He remains available. “I am still a bachelor looking for a girl who lists eating dessert and playing sports as two of her favorite activities,” he declares. “For any interested women out there, I have a reservation for two at Finale on Valentine’s Day—and it’s on me.”
THE MORAL
Despite everyone’s best efforts, Kauble’s match with Jones’s room isn’t enough to generate a match with Jones herself and the reverse formula of getting to know the bedroom before the person fails, as it often does in life. So, for now, it seems that the more advisable route for those looking for love, or for those simply looking to stand out, is focus less on posters and more on the person. Or to buy sexier underwear.