FM Explained

A:Gossip Guy was crushed when FM chair Sally H. Men ’05 decided to cut him off in a surprise rejection last semester. “It’s not me, it’s you,” Men said. “You’re just not funny anymore, Gossip Guy. And you’re a little bit misogynistic, too.” The heart-breaking news might have been easier to handle had Sally told him her middle name is “Hates.” In an attempt to pacify the bawling veteran, the chair offered him a chance to suck “deez nutz,” an offer he gratefully accepted...

Q:Who was Gossip Girl?

A:We don’t know. She e-mailed from a hotmail account, and she’s apparently not ph-able.

Q:How do you get away with using profanity?

A:Fuck, we can do whatever the hell we want. Bitch.

Q:Was that Sophie Brickman on your cover?

A:Yep. Definitely.

Q:How do you, you know, “make” FM?

A: Scissors, gluestick and exclusive access to Andrew M. Brunner’s baby photos.

Q:Why haven’t you ever profiled Domna?

A:Wow! What a great idea! We never thought of that...

Q:What does “For the Moment” mean?

A:That we didn’t want to edit that much.

Q:How come I’ve never appeared on the As It Were page?

A:Because you’re probably not a fame-hungry ho. Or because you were sucking face with one of us, and we edited the picture out. Or, more likely, because you’re not one of Paul M. Soper or Andrew M. Brunner’s blockmates.

Q: How do you decide Scoped?

A:Prospective Scoped candidates write love letters to the FM executives. Love letters and gifts of York Peppermint Patties to Kristi L. Jobson and Mollie H. Chen have been particularly successful. Alternately, Kristi might remember on Tuesday morning that she needs to scope someone, randomly click on your facebook profile, and think, “Yeah, she/he is good enough. Whatever.”