15 Tips for Flu Season

Ah, November, the month of Thanksgiving, brightly colored trees, and unshakeable colds that leave you begging for years of yore when being sick meant having a day off watching reruns of Saved by the Bell. Take heart, ye sick and tired, as FM gives you 15 tips for flu season.

1. Stop being such a skank.

2. Pills, pills, pills, pills, pills. The girls from the Bee can probably lend you some.

3. Carry around a personal tissue box. Decorate it with puffy paint.

4. Deny that you have the flu to that hottie you met on Saturday night. Woo him or her with chicken soup as they spend Monday in bed.

5. Sneeze often, get excused from section.

6. Go to UHS and see if you’re pregnant.

7. Hug a teddy bear and cry about it.

8. Get lots of sleep—in your own bed.

9. Eat lots of warm comfort foods, like HUDS Chicken Fried Steak.

10. Use ginger ale as a mixer instead of Coke. Remember to stir with a straw to get the bubbles out.

11. No one likes a sniffler. Blow.

12. Sleep by the toilet sober.

13. Embrace your phlegmy voice. Audition for Collegium.

14. Call home and have your parents fly you up some pity.

15. Leave me alone.