Trail of Sketchiness

With the long shadows cast by so many of Harvard’s prestigious alums, at times it feels as though they are still criss-crossing our campus.

But if Harvard has, to this day, been a training ground for the celebrated, it may hearten us all to know that it was their playing ground, too. Before realization of your terrible midterm grades doubles your hangover, take this little dose of DWTWCKOT, also known as: Don’t Worry, They Were College Kids Once Too.

Since it’s that time of year, it is fitting to begin with the presidents (and runners up) who went to school here. For someone who did plenty of womanizing in the Oval Office and got away with it, it would hardly seem surprising that John F. Kennedy ’40’s career at Harvard involved many a ‘romantic’ encounter—especially at the Spee, but probably plenty of other locations. Al Gore ’69, before the judge’s panel determined him the runner-up in the 2000 election, shared a freshman year dorm—and allegedly a first joint—with roommate Tommy Lee Jones. And of course, there is our current president and president-elect, the dear George W. Bush, Harvard Business School Class of 1975. True, GWB was “born-again” in 1986, but even in his most conservative statements has only said he stopped using cocaine in 1974—a year after he entered Harvard Business School.

And then of course, there are the artists. One can hardly imagine that Ralph Waldo Emerson, Class of 1821, T.S. Eliot ’10 and e.e. cummings ’15 got through their time here without at least a few drug indulgences themselves. Theatricals, too, have their own sordid history—especially the Hasty Pudding kind. Most will remember that a couple of years ago, two Pudding producers were charged with embezzlement of over $200,000 (they learned it from Enron, not Harvard, we swear), a large portion of which apparently went to support a producer’s own heavy drug habit.

But even though these kinds of things have been going on for years, it doesn’t mean that some important firsts haven’t happened here as well—just ask John Updike. Because while you’ll have to watch where you step in front of the Lampoon—thanks to the permanent sidewalk coating of broken glass you’ll find outside—you’ll want to watch where you sit inside as well. Apparently there’s a particular couch that was the site of Updike’s “deflowering.”

And just in case all this doesn’t make you feel better for not being able to remember exactly what happened last weekend, don’t worry, you won’t be the worst graduate we’ve had. Why? Because Harvard has also had the good fortune to educate Ted Kaczynski—a.k.a, the Unabomber. And next to that, bombing your midterms is nothing.