If God Made Pot, Why Shouldn't I Smoke It?

Loker Professor of English Robert J. Kiely was reciting the decorated prose of a 17th century high-church Anglican when he interrupted himself last week to talk about fashion magazines. But, as he explained to the massive Emerson 105 lecture hall, this was no tangent.

The particular Cosmo clone which Kiely said made him want to “sit down and cry” happened to contain the text that is the subject of his popular course, English 13: The Bible.

That perpetual bestseller has taken on new robes in Revolve: The Complete New Testament, a glossy-paged Holy Book disguised as a teen fashion magazine that asks such serious questions as “Are You Dating a Godly Guy?” and reveals beauty secrets like “You need a good, balanced foundation for the rest of your makeup, kinda like how Jesus is the strong foundation in our lives.”

Two years of market research by Thomas Nelson Bibles concluded that the best way to reach the heart of the teenage female was to package the Good News, in the New Century Version translation, alongside “200+ Blab Q&A’s,” plenty of beauty advice and an air-brushed photo of a studly male on nearly every page, according to Laurie Whaley, Revolve’s spokesperson.

The Bible-turned-magazine has attracted plenty of media attention, but perhaps too little scholarly analysis. As Revolve itself declares, the New Testament is a very serious piece of work—“the total good news.” FM decided to get some serious analysis.

Although Kiely said after his lecture that he would not suggest substituting Revolve for the traditional King James translation he recommends for his Core class, and although he dubbed the fifth-and-a-half-grade-reading-level publication “just another American low-brow scam,” he did say he planned to order the magazine for his teaching fellows.

And he even took time out of his office hours to take Revolve’s “Are You Dating a Godly Guy?” quiz—rearranged to detect whether the professor of the Bible himself lives up to the deific standard. For the record, while Kiely is a certifiable “Good Guy,” he is not a “Godly-Man-In-Training.”

Assistant Professor of New Testament and Early Christianity Laura Nasrallah respectfully declined to take the same quiz, but she did offer analysis.

“It sort of feels like a proto-feminist text, and then it undercuts that in other places,” she said, adding that Revolve “assumes a heterosexist paradigm.” Nasrallah pointed to a Q&A section with the question: How do I tell a male friend I want to be more than friends? Answer: “You don’t. Sorry. You just don’t tell him… God made guys to be the leaders.” This, she argued, is in stark contrast to other girl-power-styled messages of the magazine.

Divinity School Lecturer on Ministry Lowell Livezey worried that the New Testament’s message might be lost in the makeover. “Even though it tells you not to do the revealing clothing, it still is part of that market culture that promotes Victoria’s Secret,” he said. Livezey should be relieved to know that, in fact, Revolve is pretty anti-lingerie.

When asked “Is it wrong to wear a bra that fills out your shirt a little more?” Revolve says first, not to give up hope that you “will be forever flat-chested” and then directs readers to Proverbs 31 “to see what God says an attractive woman looks like.” Revolve expands on that one proverb, showing girls what God finds pretty and, Whaley hopes, showing readers that “Christian girls have fun and it’s great.”

“Oftentimes there’s this terrible stigma that says that Christianity is boring and rote and stoic, and that is so not the case,”she, says. So far, all 40,000 copies in the original press run have sold out and 120,000 more are on the way. That’s Good News for everyone.