You Say You Want (to Remember) a Revolution?

This Monday, April 21, Massachusetts commemorates the “shot heard ‘round the world” and the battles of Lexington and Concord which began the Revolutionary War on April 19, 1775. While most Bostonians spend the holiday by watching the Boston Marathon or picnicking on the Common, Harvard students will be required to attend their regularly scheduled classes.

FM believes that this is an affront to the memories of the revolutionary heroes and founding fathers that fought for freedom from the tyrannous British. Therefore, students of Harvard, rise up! Awaken the rebellious spirit of revolution sleeping within your own breasts! Boycott your classes and celebrate Patriot’s Day with one of FM’s recommendations.

The Freedom Trail

Paul Revere’s ride was one of the greatest adrenaline-pumping, heart-pounding Most Exciting Moments in American History. While a walk along Boston’s Freedom Trail won’t raise your pulse, it will direct you to 16 of the city’s historic sights, including the Paul Revere House and the Old North Church.  Pick up the trail across from the Old State House and follow it along a tour of the city’s revolutionary history.

The Freedom Trail begins at the Boston National Historical Park Visitor’s Center at 15 State Street. Guided tours lasting 90 minutes begin every half hour from the center. Call (617) 242-5642 for more information. T stop: State.

Bunker Hill Monument

The Bunker Hill Monument is Boston’s version of the Washington Monument in our country’s capitol. Located in the historic Charlestown neighborhood, this towering obelisk commemorates the site of the first major battle of the Revolutionary War when colonial militia men valiantly defended the strategic hilltop against the Red-coat invaders on June 17, 1775. Climb up the 294 steps inside the monument for a great view of downtown Boston. The Bunker Hill Monument provides irrefutable proof that prudish Bostonians appreciate a patriotic phallus as much as the average American.

The Bunker Hill Monument is open daily 9 a.m.-4:30 p.m. and admission is free. T stop: Community College.

Fenway Park

Express your passionate patriotism by celebrating the great American Pastime. The Boston Red Socks host Toronto Blue Jays at Fenway Park this Patriot’s Day. Have a beer in hand for the first pitch at 11:05 a.m. and grab a seat in the bleachers to partake in the boisterous (and occasionally belligerent) drunkenness of Boston’s sports fans.

Fenway Park is located at 4 Yawkey Way, between Van Ness and Lansdowne Streets. Call (617) 267-1700 for tickets. Call (617) 267-8661 for information about tours of the ballpark. T stop: Kenmore.

Louisburg Square

Thinking of doing your patriotic duty by voting Democratic in the 2004 presidential election? Visit the home of presidential hopeful John Kerry (D-Mass.) on this quiet cobblestone cul-de-sac. The multimillion dollar brownstones of Louisburg Square surround a small private park maintained by America’s oldest homeowners association and are counted among the most exclusive addresses in Beacon Hill. Think Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Boston Brahmin style.

Louisburg Square is located between Mount Vernon and Pickney Streets. T stop: Charles Street.

The Combat Zone

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is the highest creed of any patriotic American. What better way to spend the holiday than perusing pornographic videos or purchasing a lap dance in Boston’s Combat Zone! City zoning confines the sex shops and strip clubs to this notorious part of Chinatown. How P.C., Boston, how P.C.

T stop: Chinatown.

Hollis Hall, Harvard Yard

Drop in on some first-years for a look at the rooms which hosted revolutionary soldiers during the final years of the War for American Independence. Crash on the futon for a few days to get a feel for the revolutionary accommodations.

T stop: Harvard.