The Mighty Morphin' State of Israel

The people of Israel have brought many great things to the world. Monotheism. The Bible. Cell phones.

Wait…cell phones? A few days ago, The Crimson and other college papers around Boston ran an ad asking us to “Celebrate Israel’s Contributions to the World,” listing seven “contributions” that are not widely known. Backed by the Israel Campus Roundtable, it seemed designed to address those goyim who may ask: “Sure, our religion sprang from yours, but what have you done for me lately?” First on the list: “The Cell phone was developed in Israel by Motorola, which has its largest center in Israel.”

So what has Israel done for us? Well, besides facilitating the second coming of the messiah, it has given the world several great gifts. Yet the only serious accomplishment listed in the ad is the airlifting of 22,000 starving Ethipioan Jews to safety in Israel. The other six just don’t measure up:

1. The cell phone? Great. Israel created a device that allows spoiled Jewish American Princes and Princesses (JAPs) to whine constantly to one another.

2. “Israel is the only country that entered the 21st century with a net gain in its number of trees.” They went from 17 to 24.

3. “Intel’s new high-speed Centrino chip, which will double battery life on laptops, was developed entirely in Israel.” Oy, but staring at the screen for so long makes my eyes hurt.

4. “The Technology for AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) was developed by Mirabilis, a company founded by four young Israelis.” This is something to be proud of. When the JAPs can’t use their cell phones, Israelis have given them other means to communicate mindlessly and free of charge.

But the final two “contributions” listed are not ridiculous. They are absurd. I’ll begin with the last one: “KISS’s legendary band member, Gene Simmons, is a native Israeli, born Chaim Witz.”

This is incredible. It seems Simmons’ (or Witz’s) real accomplishment was getting Gentiles to believe that he was actually some Satan-worshipping lunatic. Think KISS stands for “Knight In Satan’s Service?” It actually stands for “Kosher Israeli Scams Suckers.”

The last contribution listed is even more unbelievable, especially since there have been many great Israelis who made great contributions to the world. Ilan Ramon helped destroy Iraq’s nuclear reactor in 1981, saving the world from unimaginable trouble today. In the arts, Yitzhak Perlman is recognized as one of the world’s great violinists. Natalie Portman ’03 is a talented actress. Even Simmons had some catchy songs.

Nonetheless, this ad chose to recognize Haim Saban. Who is Haim Saban? See entry six: “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers was produced by Haim Saban, an Israeli whose family fled persecution in Egypt.”

Should Israel really be proud of this man? Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers is arguably the most pathetic show in television history. Abraham fathered a great nation. Moses led us from Egypt and gave us the law. Saban? He gave us strange robots that morphed into a larger robot, to defeat grotesque puppets and weird men in gray spandex called “puddies.”

Maybe I’m being too hasty. Saban is brilliant. He made a cheesy, low-budget TV show into a merchandising empire, and he mightily morphed into a powerful, rich businessperson. But in all honesty, Power Rangers isn’t really a great contribution to the world. Except for maybe the Pink Ranger. She was pretty hot, but alas, such a shikse.

—David A. Weinfeld is an associate sports editor.