What If God Was One Of Us?

Somewhere in heaven...

God: I’m so bored.

Ted Williams: I know, me too. And cold.

God: At least you’ve been in the news recently. I haven’t been thanked in weeks. This time of year sucks. No sports going on, at all. Where’s the love? In June, I’ve got basketball players thanking me for NBA championships, NFL players thanking me for enlightening them on which team to choose in free agency, baseball players thanking me for All-Star selections...

Gordie Howe: Don’t forget hockey...

God: Oh right, (cough), hockey...Yes, the NHL...I don’t receive much thanks from the NHL...perhaps because I never watch. In fact, Gordie, you shouldn’t be here because you’re not dead yet. The only reason you’re in this column is that you were the only old hockey player I knew.

Howe: I knew this didn’t look like my bedroom...

God: Anyway, guys, I don’t know what to do. What did y’all do to pass the time during these ‘dead-zone’ weeks? My fantasy baseball draft doesn’t happen until mid-March and there’s only so many times I can make Kobe Bryant score 40 points before I get bored with his silky-smooth style and extreme arrogance. Plus, March Madness is still three weeks away! Is Dr. Kevorkian dead yet? Maybe he can help me...

Mickey Mantle: One word, Lord: alcohol.

God: But there’s got to be some sporting event that can amuse me. I mean, come on—you can’t expect me to watch the NHL.

Howe: Hey! Lay off the NHL.

God: Back you go, Gordie...(Howe instantly disappears in a cloud of smoke. A quiet “thud” is heard in the distance).

Hobey Baker: If I may say something, All Mighty One?

God: Yes, Hobey?

Baker: If you turn your attention to college hockey, you may find some events of particular interest. In particular, the Harvard women’s hockey team is ranked number one in the nation. And I know how much You like Harvard...

God: Didn’t you go to Princeton, Hobey? Why on Earth are you promoting Harvard?

Baker: We’re not on Earth, anymore, Sir. Plus, I’m quite old and my memory is fading...

God: I’m not a ‘sir’, Hobey. Watch it, or I’ll start calling you “Vin.” Hmmm...Harvard women’s hockey. Yes, I’m starting to remember. I thought it’d be great to see Jennifer Botterill, Angela Ruggiero, and Julie Chu on the same team. That’s why I made them all go to Harvard. You say the team’s No. 1, Hobey, baby?

Baker: Yes, God. They finish up their regular season this week and soon will be in the NCAA Tournament. They are almost a sure thing for the Frozen Four and could win Fair Harvard a National Championship. Botterill has more points (315) than any player to ever play collegiate women’s hockey. And Chu has won ECAC Rookie of the Week four times this year and has 33 goals and 36 assists in only 26 games this season.

God: This is intriguing—I may have a new pastime, Hobey Wan Kenobi. Watching Harvard’s games should at least offer me more entertainment than playing another season of Madden 2003. I’m already in season 2014! Joey Harrington has won MVP the last 11 seasons. There is only so many times I can run “parallel slants” in the five-WR format for a touchdown before I start to lose interest.

Vince Lombardi: Since we’re talking about Harvard, I’ve been watching these two kids, God, in whom you also might be interested. They’re seniors at Harvard right now—names are Carl Morris and Jamil Soriano. Looks like both kids are going to be drafted and have future professional careers.

God: Wow! Two future NFLers from Harvard in one year? Will they thank me when they get to the pros?

Lombardi: If you’re lucky, they’ll thank you on Draft Day. But, you might have to wait until they win a Me Trophy.

God: What?

Lombardi: A Lombardi Trophy—the Super Bowl trophy.

God: Well, I’ll keep my omniscient eye on those two. Am I omniscient or omnipotent? I can never remember that.

Baker: I believe You are both, Lord.

God: I don’t like the word omnipotent. Sounds like impotent. I’ll stick with omniscient. Anything else about Harvard that I should be aware of?

John F. Kennedy: I believe, aahhh, the haakey team for the, aahh, men is, aaaahh, quite good as well.

God: Mayor Quimby?

Kennedy: Sorry, I’ll stop using that foolish accent. The men’s team is in position to clinch a bye in the first round of the ECAC Tournament this weekend and has the talent to repeat as ECAC Champions if the team can get past Cornell. It’s not only worth watching, God, it’s worth fixing.

Shoeless Joe Jackson: I’ll help!

God: Well, we’ll see. You’ve certainly cheered me up, though, fellas. I never thought I’d have to rely on Harvard sports for all of my entertainment, but, then again, I never thought Joe Millionaire would actually end up a millionaire! I mean, who saw that one coming? Still, I wish one of those girls would have ended up with Paul Hogan...can we speed up his death so I can talk to him?

—Staff Writer Alex M. Sherman can be reached at sherman@fas.harvard.edu