Course Catalog of Dreams

Already sick of your classes this semester, sports fans? Don’t fret—just check out the new courses that will be offered next year.

Sociology 159, “The Art of Losing”

Professors: Former Cincinnati Bengals coach Dick LeBeau, former New York Jets coach Bruce Coslet and former Philadelphia Phillies manager Terry Francona; MW 1

How do they do it? How are the Los Angeles Clippers, the Detroit Tigers and the Cincinnati Bengals so consistently bad, every year? How can a city maintain a team that suffers through years and years of futility while still drawing fans? Who are these people that claim to be Clippers fans? Are they insane? Are they just ignorant? Do they exist at all? Experienced losers Dick LeBeau, Bruce Coslet and Terry Francona take a close look at the intricacies of failure. Topics include “Double-talk: convincing the media that winning is imminent” and “Soulmates: pink slips and you.” Like the Clippers, this course is certain to be lotteried.

Economics 114, “Fantasy Baseball”

Professor: Harvey C. Mansfield and staff; W 1-3

Professor of Government Harvey Mansfield switches departments to teach this cutthroat course on fantasy baseball. The course is taught entirely in sections of no more than twelve students. Each student will compete directly against his classmates in a rotisserie league, beginning with a fantasy draft held on the first day of class. Each team will have a salary cap, and students must manage their team’s budget during the semester. As the baseball season begins, students will be required to make trades, sign and cut players and idiotically trash-talk on the league’s Internet message board. At the end of the course, the student whose team is in first place will receive an A. Everyone else will receive an F (well, maybe a B). Baseball gurus Bill James and Peter Gammons will guest lecture in section and may compete with students in certain “advanced” leagues.

Economics 1134, “Marketing and Advertising: ‘SportsCenter’ Commercials”

Professors: Dan Patrick, Trey Wingo and the Syracuse Orange; MWF 10

Ever wish you could make your own ESPN “SportsCenter” commercial? Now you can! “SportsCenter” anchors Dan Patrick and Trey Wingo teach you the tricks of the trade behind directing, producing and acting in “SportsCenter” commercials. Students will watch prior commercials, write weekly response papers on current ESPN proposals and invent new ideas. Students must prepare their own commercial in small groups to present as a final project. Readings include Marshall McLuhan’s Media and the American Mind and Professor Patrick’s The Big Show. The Syracuse Orange will serve as a visiting professor from the Carrier Dome and will focus his lectures on his novel, Orange: Dreams Can Come True.

Science A-79, “WWE and the Universe”

Professor: Jesse Ventura; TTh 11:30-1

No longer governing Minnesota, Jesse Ventura has agreed to take a job for which he is far more qualified—teaching a Harvard science class. “The Body” turned “Mind” will introduce students to the many parallels between our cosmic universe and professional wrestling. How did we get here? Will Rowdy Roddy Piper defeat Rick Flair in next week’s steel cage match? What are planets? Guest lecturers include “Mean” Gene Okerlund and Vince McMahon. Demonstrations, including a simulation of a figure-four leg lock on Mars, will occur frequently.

English 90dx, “Rhetoric II: Athlete Speak”

Professor: Nomar Garciaparra; T 3-5

Boston Red Sox shortstop will conduct a seminar on how to speak with reporters by forming English sentences while simultaneously saying nothing. Garciaparra has mastered the art of “boredom” in media interviews and will explore the development of such phrases as “I just go out there and compete” and “we’re gonna give it 110 percent.” Students will be required to watch Bull Durham and must conduct three tape-recorded interviews with Harvard Crimson reporters to illustrate their progressing skills. At the end of the term, there will be a one-on-one oral exam with Professor Garciaparra for fifty minutes—those who do not fall asleep will earn an A for the course. Class will end sharply at five o’clock on game days to allow the professor to maintain his nighttime occupation.

Government 2107. Capitalism Gone Wrong: Major League Baseball

Professors: Billy Beane and Brian Cashman; Th 2-4

Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane and New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman will attempt to give a balanced lecture on the nature of capitalism today in Major League Baseball. Topics such as revenue sharing, television markets, fan attendance, marketing and stadiums will be discussed. Students will be required to write an end-of-term research paper on what improvements, if any, should be made to the current collective bargaining agreement. Is it fair that a team with a $200 million payroll can compete in the same league as a team with a $40 million payroll? Are the Yankees actually the “Evil Empire?” Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto, Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations and Rickey Henderson’s Off Base, Confessions of a Thief are required reading.

—Staff writer Alex M. Sherman can be reached at sherman@fas.harvard.edu.