View From The Pop: Poor Little 'Rich Girls'

“You know what I find weird? That people pay money for clothes. Shouldn’t it be a free necessity, like water?”

Meet Jaime Gleicher, daughter of uber-wealthy businessman Leo Gleicher. She and best friend Ally Hilfiger (Tommy’s daughter) unite in “Rich Girls,” MTV’s latest offering of deliciously unrealistic reality TV. “Rich Girls” documents the 18 year-olds’ Manhattan misadventures, which invariably include walking their credit cards down Fifth Avenue—as Ally notes, “We just prance around this damn city like it’s our little shopping haven.”

But don’t write them off yet. Take it from another famous rich girl: “Okay, so you’re probably going, ‘Is this like a Noxzema commercial, or what?’ But actually, I have a way normal life for a teenage girl.”

Like so many other teenage girls, Jaime frets about losing her virginity on prom night, and Ally bitches about friends who don’t pay their way during a night out. Way normal! Sure, Jaime may de-stress at the Frederic Fekkai salon, and Ally may be talking about a $700-a-night limo and not a 30-pack of High Life, but let’s just ignore that. Rod Assia, executive producer of “Rich Girls,” offered Fox News his analysis: “These are very common teen themes; they’re just set in Manhattan and are a little more fabulous.”

“Fabulous” certainly isn’t a word I’d use to describe Assia’s other recent pet project for MTV, “Newlyweds.” About as real as “Rich Girls,” “Newlyweds” offers us a decidedly depressing glimpse into the marriage of washed-up teen popsters Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (of 98 Degrees). For those who haven’t seen it, the premise is simple: Jessica says something dumb, Nick bashes her psychologically and Jessica’s self-esteem plummets. Fight, sulk, repeat. Like Penelope and Tom in Vanilla Sky, Jessica and Nick succeed in making us profoundly uncomfortable because in the end, we know what we are seeing is real.

But how real is it? Sure, it’s entertaining to see Jessica confess that she assumed “Chicken of the Sea” really was chicken, or that she always thought “platypus” was pronounced “platy-ma-pus.” This is the stuff “Simpsons” jokes are made of. But suppose Jessica were to say something marginally insightful. Suppose Nick were to confess to Jessica that—his emotional abuse notwithstanding—he loved her more than he ever could love another woman. Who wants to bet these moments wouldn’t even make it past the cutting room floor? For shows like “Newlyweds,” they’re toxic—but just a bit of editing magic yields a fabricated narrative worthy of the ten spot.

The show that originated this principle, the grandfather of reality TV, was “The Real World.” Since its debut in 1992, “The Real World” has become progressively more plastic and prefab. These days, it’s impossible to watch it without experiencing deja vu. To be sure, individuals once roamed free around the outrageously outfitted “Real World” pads—Puck in San Francisco, for example. But now, even the Individual is an established role (see: Teck from Hawaii and Irene from Seattle). And the same personae keep reappearing in younger incarnations—Coral in New York carried the superbitch torch that Flora abandoned, while Matt in New Orleans filled the religious vacuum left behind by Los Angeles’ Jon. This season’s cast is a near-replica of that of two seasons ago: country hick; young, rebellious girl; strong, independent grrrl; angry black guy; frattish asshole; manipulative bitch; non-threatening gay. One can almost see the casting directors’ audition checklists and hear the producers’ cackles as they eradicate all traces of personality deviation.

It’s exactly this engineering that makes MTV’s brand of reality TV so dangerous. It’s one thing when sitcoms like “Friends” derive their humor from stereotyped roles. (Ha, Monica sure likes to clean! And Ross is right, Joey’s such a lug!) But it’s quite another when these shows pass themselves off as “real” and Jessica Simpson ends up in Rolling Stone trying to dispel the notion that she’s as ditzy as she’s depicted on “Newlyweds.” Did you know Ally Hilfiger really loves painting in her spare time? Bet you didn’t, because a painting montage just isn’t as entertaining as a shopping montage. She’s a rich girl, remember? That’s what rich girls do—they go on shopping sprees, they get flustered when they have to pump gas, and they manage to get lost on road trips despite the GPS in their Range Rovers. It’s ironic then—what with the editors’ reducing them to two-dimensional characters—that the opening credits feature Jaime and Ally depicted as paper dolls resting in a purse. Do we think they understand that’s not a good thing?

But I’m saving my tears. In the end, it’s still MTV. The people who audition for “The Real World” are all shameless self-promoters. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are exploiting “Newlyweds” for career reasons and financial concerns as much as the show is exploiting them. And as for the “Rich Girls,” you’re going to love this: Jaime and Ally are co-producing it. Yup. Poor little rich girls, indeed.

—Crimson Arts columnist Dan Gilmore can be reached at dgilmore@fas.harvard.edu.