Carnivore's Carnival

Imagine the worst restaurant you have ever been to on a first date. Double it. Double it again. Double it again. That’s how bad The Midwest Grill, an excellent Brazilian churrascaria in Inman Square, would be. In fact, this top-notch restaurant should rank only marginally higher on a list of dating venues than Taco Bell or the Dunster Dining Hall. Additionally, it is most definitely not a place to bring anorexics, vegetarians or anyone who has recently read Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle for tutorial. Nevertheless—or, perhaps, for exactly that reason—The Midwest Grill ranks as one of the most enjoyable restaurants in Cambridge.

Churrascarias are essentially glorified Brazilian barbecues. When you sit down, a brief nod tells the staff you know the drill: all-you-can-eat for a $19 fee. Vast skewers of various kinds of meat are circulated throughout the evening, and diners can hail down passing rump steak and pork loin as if they were vacant taxis. The attentive waiters and waitresses slice the meat onto your plate and will continue to do so until you—very firmly—instruct them to cease and desist. It’s a competitive eating race—the winner is the last man, um, sitting.

The décor at The Midwest Grill is an incidental sideshow. The restaurant has a vague cowboy feel, with many quasi-artistic representations of cattle and a large number of equestrian accoutrements. In fact, should selling meat ever become uneconomical, The Midwest Grill certainly has enough leather products on display to immediately relaunch itself as Cambridge’s premier S&M supply store. As it is, however, the wall hangings do enough to convince doubtful patrons that the Midwest to which the title refers is not the repressed and repressive setting of American Gothic, but some exotic, mythical land in the Southern Hemisphere, where all falls secondary to the hedonistic pursuit of good meat.

The complimentary salad bar which fills the rear dining room is only a distraction, and a tedious one at that. Rookies take note—the restaurant’s profit-conscious owners want you to fill up on refried beans, carrot sticks and rice, so that you don’t eat your fill of meat later on. Be strong, and don’t succumb to the temptation. Many an eager young eater’s challenge has fallen by the wayside after he loads up early on tepid fried eggplant and mediocre garlic bread.

Soon the main event begins and the arrival of the evening’s first skewer brings as much joy as the birth of a new child. The signature dish is beef sirloin, crisp on the outside, with a rich, chewy center. Most of the meat is at its best when served rare or medium rare, but each skewer can be carved at different points according to how well done the diner prefers their food. Chicken breast wrapped in bacon has a strangely similar taste: each mouthful is crunchy and salty on the outside, while the bacon fat prevents the chicken from drying out, keeping the meat tender and moist.

The sausages offered—a garlicky Kielbasa and a spicy Italian sausage—are fantastic. Both go well, as do almost all of the meats, with the homemade pico de gallo available at the salad bar. The freshness of the tomatoes, bite of the onions and astringency of the vinegar help somewhat to cut the relentless richness of the meat. Not all of the skewers are equally desirable, however. Pork loin is pleasant, although the meat should have been cooked a little more for my taste. (The prospect of tapeworm can put a damper on even the most charming dinner.) The lamb is inconsistent—some slices are fine, others are just plain gristly and tougher than an Ec10 midterm.

The best dish of all, however, is the chicken hearts. No, that is not a joke. I know, I know—the thought is repellent. But be brave and your hardiness will not go unrewarded. The Midwest Grill’s chicken hearts are delicious—vaguely reminiscent of grilled calamari. They come around 30 to a skewer. Our eight-man table polished off five skewers over the course of the evening. They are that good.

The Midwest Grill offers a good selection of South American wines and plenty of beer, almost all of which is American. Dessert is available, though not particularly tempting. In fact, after dinner at The Midwest Grill, very little is appealing except a couple of Alka Seltzer and a long night’s sleep. So just remember—leave that date at home, and you’ll have a wonderful evening.

Midwest Grill

1124 Cambridge Street

(617) 354-7536

Sunday - Friday 11:30 a.m. to 11:30 p.m.

Saturday 11:30 a.m. to 12 a.m.