Fifteen Things I Look For in a Class

1. Offers letter grade, pass/fail and rare pass/pass options

2. Location in the choicest classroom in North America: Science Center E!

3. Section participation 10 percent of grade; Icehouse-chugging competition 50 percent of grade

4. Ostensible professor clearly an escaping criminal who beat up real professor; buff, bearded, heavily-tattooed “Helen Vendler” threatens students in front row with shiv-like sharpened coursepack when they refuse to hand over “smokes”

5. Professor Indiana Jones. He’s so hot!

6. Midterm: Let’s see these monkeys smoke chronic

7. Final: Let’s see these gorillas do crank

8. Class touted as “From the department that brought you Health and Public Policy 167qz*”

9. High CUE guide ratings, afternoon lectures and nothing on Friday

10. “Push, Nevada”-style $1 million award for first student who, based on clues hidden throughout syllabus, conclusively answers the question of whether all is permitted if there is no God

11. Section sluts

12. Lecture whores

13. A professor who totally speaks to my generation by playing music before class. Rock on!

14. CUE Guide says the course is conducted in English (12 percent)

15. Extensions granted until “forever and ever”