Gossip Guy!
...Summer break begins now for Gossip Guy. Still, he’s struggling to find employment: He may work on the assembly line in a lies factory, make copies in a rumor emporium or answer the phones at an innuendo mill...
...Douglas C. Byrd ’02 was clearly going to get it on with the very-intoxicated Briana C. Rodriguez ’04 last weekend at the Phoenix. While making out, she pulled him into the bathroom and lowered her pants. As he delicately tells it, “I totally thought I’d get all up in that. So I thought I’d ‘flip her the Byrd,’ if you know what I’m saying—show her my nuts. Then, she backs into the toilet stall, sits down and—how should I put this?—drops a huge deuce.” In the week since the incident, Byrd has not shown signs of being amused by his blockmates’ repeated offers to let him stand in the bathroom while they defecate...
...Ricard D. Nitrell ’03-’04, who is usually involuntarily chaste, hooked up with four cute girls in three days last week. “I’m just emitting pheromones like a positron emitter emits positrons,” the physics concentrator mused. He was then led away to a night of passion by a positron-metaphor-loving co-ed...
...Although he has been wearing glasses for over two years, Will C. Benstein ’03 recently told friends, “I don’t see myself as a glasses-wearer.” Which is funny, because people who know Benstein see him as a four-eyed geek...
...“Want a brewski?” Boris G. Sumilovitch ’03 was asked several years ago. “I certainly do-ski!” he responded wittily. Sumilovitch has been telling the story of “that awesome time I said ‘I certainly do-ski’” ever since. Observers speculate that constant repetition of the story could explain the frequency with which Sumilovitch endures violent nut-kickings ...
...Felix P. Johnsonowitz ’03 was excited when Trisha G. Fenster ’02 told him she “liked big Jewish guys.” He was less excited when subsequent events revealed that she also likes small Jewish guys, big Irish guys, medium-sized Hispanics, Asians with broken legs, House security guards, sexy sorority sweethearts and pretty much every other possible group or individual...
...If you’ve seen the huge fucking possum that wanders around Mount Auburn Street, Plympton Street, and has been spotted as far afield as Mather, you’re not alone. That thing is huge and fucking scary. Gossip Guy’s fears that it would attack and devour a pre-frosh were thankfully unfounded, though despite expensive hypnotherapy, his recurring stress dream in which the possum crushes the Lowell belltower remains...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Gary A. Mohammed ’03 got totally screwed in the Adams House housing lottery. “Fuck!” exclaimed Mohammed. “I got totally screwed!”...
...CORRECTION: Two weeks ago Gossip Guy reported that notorious jackass Corker Q. Picker ’02-’03 was suspended by the Ad Board for punching Helen Vendler. In fact, Picker was booted for effeminately slapping Quincy House Master Robert P. Kirshner ’70 in the back of the head. Gossip Guy regrets the error...