Fifteen strange and horrific things some guy told me when all I wanted to do was look at his room before the housing lottery

1. Ted Kennedy used to shower here. So we’ve been taking sponge baths in the JCR.

2. You know how buildings don’t have a 13th floor because it’s bad luck? Well, our room doesn’t have an ethernet jack, because computers are for nerds and pedophiles.

3. I guess I’ve enjoyed living in I-entry, but I would say that it’s made me considerably more of a spaz.

4. We have these fire doors, and sometimes you can hear the people on the other side of the fire door studying like rabbits.

5. Legend tells of a great a cappella king who long ago held court in this common room. On quiet nights you can still hear the bone-chilling echoes of cheesy guys making dorky pretend drum noises with their nerd-mouths.

6. I know it’s unconventional to partition the bathroom. But it’s worked for us. Now, if you’ll excuse me...[washes hair in toilet].

7. We put a bed in the common room, but you don’t have to do that. We also put the crystal meth lab in the bathtub, but you could put it on the fire escape.

8. Rat problem? Lord, no! Most of the time the rats get eaten by the snakes within a few days.

9. Feel free to look around, but there’s a naked guy or three here somewhere, so watch out—or join in!

10. We call this window the “pee window.”

11. The only disadvantage of this room is that FM is delivered regularly.

12. There are some things in this room you might want to avoid, like the doorknob. Ohmigod, you touched it?! [Frantically dials UHS] I’m sooo sorry!

13. No, not that corner. This corner is where most of the fizzle shizzling takes place.

14. Don’t move! You’re about to get shozzled fo’ shizzle.

15. Officer, I don’t see what the problem is. He just got his shiznap gootered. Is that so wrong?