{Untitled}

Hunter S. Thompson once explained the abundance of Bible quotes in his work by noting that as deadlines approach and articles remain unwritten, deadlines pass and psychotic editors are alarmingly willing to sacrifice invaluable quality for valueless punctuality. Then one finds himself in a hotel room with only a typewriter and the Gideon Bible. Also, Jesus spoke through him.

In my room, I have no access to a Bible. I can not even find the collection of Thompson’s essays where he talks about using Bible quotes. I probably made that up, just like all the other “leadership experience” on my résumé. Regardless, I needed something to get the proverbial ball (my column) rolling (in a Microsoft Word file).

I should not have to go through this so often. I do not understand why FM needs to come out every week. I have seen the FM staff and it is hardly a geyser of information—not even a geyser that goes off once a week. {untitled} is biweekly, and what has that taught you? I should only be allowed to write a column every two months, much less required to write one every two weeks. And everything should have a one-sentence maximum. You would get the same utility in a fraction of the time, and use the extra time to do some pull-ups, start a leaf collection or get a nose job.

Of course, there are some tricks one can employ in order to simply sidestep lack-of-content syndrome. I could write a meta-column about writing a column. However, any delusions of column grandeur would soon dissipate because this idea has been employed by every hack since the invention of language. Most scholars do not even bother to read Homer’s first work—10,000 tired lines of dactylic hexameter about a blind guy trying to write a timeless epic. Homer was able to learn from his mistake and went on to compose the legendary Odyssey and “SeinfSld.” But he was the exception. More typical is the story of Tokyo Williams. He disappeared after his first feature, Is it normal that I have three of these? One can only assume Williams was engulfed by the dog-eat-dog world of Japanese anime porn. Williams might have only been famous for 15 minutes, but that is because 16 minutes into his movie, everyone realized he sucked.

Another lack-of-content-avoidance tactic is to offer an opinion on a subject that one knows little to nothing about. Many of you might recognize this tactic from section or a Crimson staff editorial. A week ago, a few students in one of my sections were engaged in debate. As the points and counterpoints took a more personal turn, I looked around wondering who these people were. How could they simply be repeating the same things over and over again, each party unwilling to listen to the other? And why were they so hot? Then I realized that I was not in section; I was surrounded by Hugh Hefner and several beautiful women at the Playboy Mansion.

The women were engaged in a public policy debate. I listened because, as I mentioned before, they were quite stunning. Besides, I was at the Playboy Mansion and this was their editorial page. What kind of guest would I be to demand supporting evidence for their dictums? Hugh Hefner was very handsome and polite. We all hit it off, but it soon became clear the women loved Mr. Hefner and myself in different ways; with me it was sexual.

What else is there to say about the Playboy Mansion? The playmates decided that the Palestinians and Jews should work towards peace. Miss March (or April or June) suggested a mediator. Tom Cruise indicated he would be willing to serve in this respect.

Is this such a bad idea? Cruise was in Top Gun. In the Middle East, they have tried war, they have tried peace, they have even tried pretending to be at peace while actually still being at war. What else is there to try? All I know is that every time I watch A Few Good Men, a terrorist dies.

Just before my night at the mansion ended, Cruise pulled me aside and lamented, “Vali, friend, hombre—Thanks for listening tonight. Sometimes, it’s just hard to be critical of Israel’s policies without appearing anti-Semitic.”

“I know,” I responded. The two of us had a little cry, and then Tom Cruise forgot my name.