Gossip Guy!
...Like the subjects of this week’s scrutiny, Gossip Guy has been spending a lot of time at the lab. His hours among bubbling test tubes and spectrograms and whatnot have paid off: This week’s column features revolutionary, nanotechnology-assisted lies, atom-splitting rumors and titanium-enhanced innuendo...
...Nicole J. McDermott ’02 has been spending all her money on marijuana, Vicodin and Frito-Lay’s “salsa con queso.” Her parents, noticing that she’s been making increasingly large withdrawals from their bank account each month, finally questioned her this week: “What in the world have you been spending all this money on? Alcohol?” Thinking quickly, McDermott confirmed their worst suspicions, which were “way less sketchy than the painkiller and cheese-dip reality.” To prove her status as an alcohol aficionado, McDermott told her parents, “I’ve been buying a lot of my favorite, um, tequila...Smirnoff, uh, Ice”...
...Strange but true: Mohammed Tariq Rahim ’05 is a lifelong Christian. Moses Q. Jesus ’05 is a lifelong asshole...
...Self-consciously flamboyant homosexual C. Max MacGill ’02 cannot go two seconds without reminding people that he’s gay. Asked recently whether he wanted anything from Tommy’s Value, he responded, “Only if they have hot gay guys! Unhh!”...
...Phil C. Ballinger ’04, who after a summer editing Let’s Go spends all his free time soliciting female patrons of the Wrap, has started noticing some peculiar correspondences between the women he picks up there and the establishment’s food. “Both the chicks and the burritos are hot in some places and disturbingly cold in others,” he complains. “Furthermore, there are some spots that are bone-dry and others that are oddly soggy”...
...Famous wit J. Christopher McDonald ’02 enjoys regaling acquaintances with tales of his charming insouciance. “So I said to the guy, ‘Blow me!’ Hahahahahahahaha!” recalled McDonald...
...Annoying sophomore punks department: Self-proclaimed “Rock Star Herbert” (Herbert P. Quigley ’04) is starting to irritate members of the sophomore class and beyond, what with his gratuitous sunglass-wearing and endless yammering about his status as a “golden guitar god.” Sources close to Quigley note that he is a poser...Dennis G. Lamarck ’04 has diamond-studded leather sheets. Sources close to Lamarck report that he is a total fucking moron...
...Every day, shaggy-haired hippie type Neil O. Dershovitz ’03 looks less like a human and more like some sort of mutant beaver...
...The hardest part about Ec 10 section for TF Sheila R. Patel ’98 and her students is waiting until section is over to mock total freakshow Franzsz J. Geisteswissenschaften ’03. “He sounds like Igor: ‘More brains, Sheila? Supply and demand, master?’” said section cut-up Elisa H. Hyatt ’05. “No, it’s more like Peter Lorre,” argued Joan G. Hunter ’04. Patel, who came upon students doing impressions of Geisteswissenschaften in Loker, thought about chiding them, but then argued that Geisteswissenschaften’s voice was more nasal. To demonstrate, she said “indifference curve” with her nose pinched...
...Insult was added to infection when Brian E. Lopez ’05 visited UHS to get treatment for ear pain and his doctor asked him if he was sexually active. “Well, um, I guess...no, er, to the best of my knowledge,” stammered the involuntarily celibate Lopez. “I mean, unless my roommates are raping me in my sleep, heh heh heh. Which they’re not! So I guess no”...