C'est Not So Bon

Boylston Café

Boylston’s second-floor café often escapes the less Yard-savvy café patron, but when horrid images of Spanish A creep back from alcohol-induced selective amnesia its location crystallizes in the cerebral fog. “Yo hablo bueno español, por que tu me dio una C?” The menu at Boylston is not as cultured as its patrons, who hail from such departments as literature and classics, though it does offer sushi for $5 and lasagna for the same. The red booth benches are absurdly comfortable and quick to conform to the rear of any Klondike-munching customer. There is little in the way of wall art and no view to speak of, but the straw container does depict sunflower-eating cows. The café menu also repeats the word “assorted” over and over, suggesting that neither a member of the literature department nor a thesaurus was consulted while writing the menu. They have assorted bagels, assorted sandwiches and, of course, assorted fresh-baked cookies. Though they aren’t explicitly labeled “assorted,” there is also a wide selection of tortilla wraps, a motley selection of candy, gum and mints and supposedly fresh-baked danish and pastries.

Rotunda (Barker Center)

The Rotunda is round, as its name would suggest, and there are many spherical items to be purchased there with circular coins. Munch on a chocolate chip cookie while enjoying a Nantucket Nectars (though not a half-lemonade half-iced tea because they don’t have it)! Have a bagel garnished with sushi rolls! There are no other round cafés on campus, so take advantage of this one. The Sea Frost salad, though lacking circular culinary delights, offers a delightful combination of romaine lettuce, croutons and parmesan cheese tossed with caesar dressing and your choice of shrimp or tofu.

Sert Gallery Café

The Sert Gallery Café, located on the third floor of the Carpenter Center, is the jewel of the Harvard campus’ cafés. Patrons can sit inside or on a terrace and admire the views of Lamont and Sever Hall. The fare is slightly more expensive than that of other campus cafés, due mainly to the unsubstantiated fact that all of the VES faculty commute from New York City and they just wouldn’t feel comfortable if they couldn’t pay $5.50 for egg salad. Other entrees include lemon tuna, Cuban pork roll-ups and salads boasting goat cheese and sun-dried tomatoes. Forgive a small digression, but why are goat cheese and sun-dried tomatoes viewed as delicacies? Have you ever seen a goat? And what is a sun-dried tomato other than a dried up fruit/vegetable/whatever?

The finest option at the Sert Gallery Café isn’t gourmet at all—it’s the gallery. The exhibitions change fairly regularly and often feature artists of note. At the moment there is an exhibition of short-format abstract films. Upon entering one may view Bruce Nauman’s Walking in an Exaggerated Manner Around the Perimeter of a Square, a 10-minute film wherein Bruce Nauman really does just walk along a taped-out square in his studio. Another offering is David Hammons’ Phat Free. The film is of the artist walking through the streets of New York kicking a metal bucket. The camera is very shaky and the lighting has a jaundiced quality to it. The clanging of the bucket is presented in surround sound, and it is much more exciting than The Scorpion King.

Calla Lilly (Graduate School of Design)

Why was it necessary to make the side of the Design School facing Memorial Hall so hideously ugly? This is a design school, for Chrissakes. Fortunately, Calla Lilly is located on the back corner of the nice side. The glass windows, which comprise two of the walls and the ceiling, offers a nice view of green grass. Nibble on a fresh mozzarella sandwich and ponder Harvard’s strange fascination with concrete. It’s true that pretty much anything goes with gray, but in the spring a little more color would be nice. Inside, Calla Lilly is rather drab, with little in the way of decoration. The sole poster is one of a very young Michael Jordan wearing a blue button-down with a silver tie: “No Brain, No Gain. Stay in School.” If not for the decor or the MJ-derived inspiration, there is another reason one might frequent the out-of-the-way café: A male friend of mine goes there to pick up men. “If you’re on the hunt, you have to go to where they live,” he says sagely.

The Greenhouse

Sure, it’s great for a between-class snack, but what about as a romantic date spot? You can use Board Plus, and if things aren’t going well, you can point to the card that asks patrons not to sit for longer than a half-hour. The service is also impeccable. On one comment card a patron wrote, “I think the cheeze calzone would be enhanced by having some tomato sauce in it. Without it, it was a little too giant-cheese-sandwich-y.” The truly accommodating reply read, “Please feel free to ask for a side of sauce. We would be happy to supply it! Thank you for the feedback.” Wow. All I can say is wow.

Hilles Penthouse Café

What do that cutie non-freak in section, a fascinating and worthwhile Core and the Hilles Café have in common? They don’t exist. When Cliffies still graced the Quad, Hilles was the hot spot on campus. Harvard men would make the long trek north to study with the young women of Radcliffe. At times during their vigorous studying they could work up quite an appetite. These studious individuals could then repair to the top floor for snacks and conversation. All that remains today are two uninspired soda machines (what does a man have to do to get some half-and-half?) and the boarded up remnants of a grill.