Fifteen Reasons I Didn't Run the Boston Marathon

1. Uh, I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the Kenyans by beating them too badly.

2. President Summers didn’t encourage my training sufficiently. (Cornel West only.)

3. Let me think about that one. Um, I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m slow and out of shape, you moron.

4. Look, I already told the New York Times, my CD is “danceable education” [Ed note: that was an actual quote from the New York Times! ], not “Marathon runnable education.” (Cornel West again.)

5. I missed the start trying to convince Skip Gates to run with me. (It was a long fake talk with Dr. West.)

6. I’m into running trains, not plain old running. (Porn stars only.)

7. These boots were made for walkin’, not endurance runnin’. (Nancy Sinatra only.)

8. I told you, I’m not running to Boston, I’m walking in Memphis. (Marc Cohn only.)

9. I said I would walk 500 miles and perhaps 500 more, but I’m not running 26. (The Proclaimers only.)

10. I’ll walk like an Egyptian, but I won’t run a marathon like a Kenyan. (The Bangles only.)

11. I just ate at the Kong, and I’m probably going to vomit on my way back to Wigg. No way I’m running in a marathon. I mean, it would be less a marathon in which I run, and more a marathon of crouching and vomiting.

12. I just went swimming, and I’m supposed to wait an hour before I run. That’s about eating? Whatever, I’m still not running in no damn marathon.

13. ¡Ay! ¡Me duelen los pies! ¡No me gusta!

14. Yeah, pushing my body beyond human limits, ruining my knees for life and making my nipples bleed is a really smart way to spend a Monday. Are you stupid?

15. Ah, it wouldn’t be wohth the effaht cuz Nomah’s gonna win that shit anyway. Nomah! Yankees suck! Nomah! (Townies only.)