The PSLM Transcript

Recent wage negotiations between Harvard University and janitors of the Service Employees International Union Local 254 (SEIU) were closed to the press. Consequently, many feared that precise details of the talks would never emerge.

Fortunately, however, the negotiations were well attended by members of the Progressive Student Labor Movement (PSLM). Various PSLM activists present at the negotiations have written their recollections of the dialogue, and the following transcript—revealed here for the first time—has been assembled from their accounts. It documents exchanges between negotiators in two pivotal meetings. The first, which ended in an impasse, took place on Feb. 20. The second, at which agreement was reached after members of PSLM and SEIU engaged in a courageous act of civil disobedience, took place on Feb. 27.

The transcript contains comments from the following individuals:

LARRY SUMMERS (a.k.a. Satan, Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, etc.): President of Harvard; Evil Overlord of the Working Class

MALEVOLENT UNIVERSITY NEGOTIATOR: Larry’s demonic toady

EXPLOITED JANITOR: SEIU negotiator

STAN STEVENS: Harvard senior, socialist playboy and PSLM member

THE GHOST OF KARL MARX

Part I

Feb. 20, 2002 (before civil disobedience)

[Malevolent Harvard Negotiator’s cell phone rings.]

MALEVOLENT: (while forcing indentured servants to spit polish his Gucci loafers) Yes, who is it?

VOICE ON TELEPHONE: (overheard by audience) This is Larry Summers.

MALEVOLENT: (while stealing candy from a baby) Greetings, Evil Master. How may I do thy bidding?

SUMMERS: I’ve decided I need a hobby, so I think I’ll take up oppressing the working class just for kicks. How about we only offer the janitors $11 an hour?

MALEVOLENT: (laughing fiendishly as spittle flies from his mouth) Hahahaha! Excellent! Thy wish is my command, oh Evil One.

[Hangs up.]

MALEVOLENT: (while scourging janitors with a bull whip) His Evilness has spoken! Eleven dollars per hour and not a penny more.

[Boos from PSLM audience members; one student begins a hunger strike.]

EXPLOITED JANITOR: (Dickensian, in a cockney accent) Please sir, may I have some more?

MALEVOLENT: (while clearing rain forests, enlarging the hole in the ozone layer and melting polar icecaps) No! No pennies for you!

[Hisses from PSLM; various students sign a petition in their own blood.]

EXPLOITED: (with a halo appearing round his head) But please, sir, may I have some more?

MALEVOLENT: (while starting a nuclear war) No! Those rotten do-gooders on the Katz Committee made us promise to pay you a wage between $10.83 and $11.30, so stop whining about our $11.00 deal. Even PSLM-types can’t complain that we aren’t offering a living wage.

STAN STEVENS: (rises heroically from the audience as several students light themselves on fire in protest) Well, we used to want a living wage of $10.68 per hour. But the Living Wage Campaign just changed its name to “The Campaign to Get Every Nickel We Can From Harvard ’Cause a Living Wage Ain’t Good Enough and Who Gives a Hoot About Consistency Anyway”

[Strains of the socialist “Internationale” well up from an erstwhile-unnoticed orchestra pit.]

PSLM ACTIVISTS: (singing in unison) Then come comrades, rally, and the last fight let us face; the “Internationale” unites the human race.

STAN STEVENS: To prove our dedication to this revolutionary cause, we’re prepared to block traffic in Harvard Square and annoy the hell out of some motorists who have absolutely nothing to do with Harvard. Take that!

[Raucous cheers from PSLM.]

MALEVOLENT: (recoiling in shock) Egad! The horror! The horror!

[Meeting ends in chaos as Malevolent disappears into a cloud of fire and brimstone.]

Part II

Feb. 27, 2002 (after civil disobedience)

EXPLOITED: (with newfound confidence) Please, sir, may I have some more?

STEVENS: Better give it to him, Malevolent. You’ve seen what happens when you ignore the demands of social justice: we take it out on innocent commuters!

MALEVOLENT: (contritely) It was awful, simply awful.

STEVENS: And there’s more where that came from. If you don’t start paying whatever suits our whim, we’ll take civil disobedience to the next level: blocking little old ladies from crossing the street!

MALEVOLENT: No...anything but that...

STEVENS: Yes indeed. The Cambridge Police have said they’re happy to arrest us any time, provided my agent books it with them at least 24 hours in advance.

[MALEVOLENT’s cell phone rings.]

MALEVOLENT: Evil Master, is it thou?

SUMMERS: (overheard by audience) Sure is. You know, the power of the proletarian masses turned me towards the political light. I’ve been born again, I tell you. Once was lost but now I’m found, blind but now I see, yada yada yada. Made nice with Cornel West, joined the Green Party and whatnot. Listen, let’s give the janitors $11.35 an hour. Can I get an amen?

MALEVOLENT: No...it can’t be...(drops phone and shrivels up on the floor.) I’m melting! I’m melting!

EXPLOITED: An additional 35 cents an hour for janitors: this, my friend, is a great day.

STEVENS: Oh no it isn’t. You should have pressed for at least $14. Let’s go break some laws.

[Ghost of Karl Marx appears, levitating near the ceiling.]

GHOST: Go ye, therefore, causing chaos and lawlessness in my name. My blessing be upon you. Amen.

Jason L. Steorts ’01-’03 is a philosophy concentrator in Dunster House. His column appears on alternate Fridays.