GOSSIP GUY!
...Let’s Go interviews are underway again, but Gossip Guy ain’t falling for that shit again. Last summer’s disastrous sojourn in Gozzipstan has made the Guy swear off travel writing for life. His hostel’s sheets were covered by unsightly lies, the tap water was infected with rumor-carrying bacteria, and he was run out of the capital city of Gozzipmont by angry natives wielding sharp, poison-tipped innuendo...
...Daryl B. Montoya ’02 immediately suspected that a collegial, friendly e-mail from roommate Gary A. Mohammed ’02 was actually the work of their suitemate, Sam P. Fredrickson ’02. “‘Dear Daryl, I just wanted to let you know how much I cherish you as a friend and respect you as a human be—’ Hey, what the hell is this?” said Montoya as he read the message. “Sam must have found Gary’s telnet open or something, cause I don’t think Gary would ever really write this kind of sensitive shit.” Montoya’s suspicions were confirmed when he saw the rest of the e-mail, which concluded: “I love you. I wanted you to know that I will always love you, even if you spurn my advances when our bedroom door is closed.” Montoya later retaliated by sending a message from Fredrickson’s account propositioning Dean of the College Harry R. Lewis ’68. Lewis declined comment on the invitation to engage in “hot sex with horny teen sluts,” and University Hall sources say he is still mulling over the offer...
...Lee S. Robinson ’05 is unable to become aroused without the presence of ear-splittingly loud techno mixed on a laptop. “I totally got cockblocked the other night when an error of type 3 occurred and Winamp crashed,” said a distraught Robinson. Nn-tss, nn-tss, nn-tss...
...Casey B. Weinstein ’03 was brought to tears when, while extremely baked, he spent over an hour listening to Jay-Z’s “Izzo (H.O.V.A)” on repeat and meditating on the obstinacy of “haters” who demand to see Jay “clapped and chromed.” Commented Weinstein, “It is so wrong that they want to do that to Jigga. Soooooo...wrong...” Overwhelmed by emotion, Weinstein could not continue. He admitted the next day that he has absolutely no idea what it means to be “clapped” or “chromed,” and is still a little shaky on the exact definition of “haters”...
...After yet another girl jerked him around, Felix P. Johnson ’03 channeled his frustrations toward a 1,000-piece Velásquez jigsaw puzzle. “One bitch, many faces,” he muttered over and over to himself. “And where the fuck does this fucking blue piece with a yellow spot go? Fuck you, bitch! You said you loved me!”...
...JUNIOR PARENTS’ WEEKEND SPECIAL: The mother of Currier resident Marcus F. Miller ’03 got “totally wasted” at a gathering of Miller’s blockmates’ parents, according to stunned witness Eve L. Pomerantz ’03. “She ended up spewing on the door of Maxwell Dworkin. I think she wandered over there because she thought she was still at home, and apparently the route from Chili’s to her house is the same as the route from Currier to Maxwell Dworkin,” Pomerantz said...
...Kathy J. Starnbach ’03 was flattered, then embarrassed, by her encounter with the father of Perry C. Yeffen ’03. The elder Yeffen, who has lived in Israel his entire life and never completely mastered English, thought he was asking Starnbach about her post-graduation plans. What he actually said was: “What you do later, beautiful-things?” Starnbach, who says she has “always had a thing for older guys,” replied, “Whatever you want to do, sexy.” Yeffen, extremely confused by this answer, spent the rest of the night avoiding people who were not members of his immediate family ...