Gossip Guy!
...Gossip Guy has been a tad under the weather lately. Symptoms include aching lies, itchy rumors and painful, throbbing innuendo...
...Quentin W. Y. Jones ’05 has rediscovered the fourth-grade-style use of the sentence-negating interjection “Psych!” as a source of amusement. “I’m so sorry, but I’m gonna need an extention on my midterm,” he told his “Designing the American City” TF last week. “Psych! Ha ha ha ha!” Sources hint that Jones is getting a D in section and that he’s not a total dork. Psych! He is a dork!...
... Animal Planet enthusiast Harold B. Mackey ’03 won’t stop harrassing his blockmates with mangled factoids gleaned from the cable network. Commented Mackey: “Did you know Australia is home to over 300 varieties of venomous pig?”...
...“These chicks aren’t hot at all!” said an outraged Jeff D. Bauer ’01-’02 as he leered at last week’s “15 Hottest Freshmen” article in FM for the 19th time. Said Bauer: “Those nubile young things just aren’t as jaw-droppingly gorgeous as the freshmen babes that I regularly imagine to be frolicking about the Yard...sweet...frolicking...” He then excused himself...
...Mira F. Leonard ’04 haughtily declines pot, alcohol and sex. “I did that shit in high school,” she lies...
...People have been wondering why Betsy A. Rodriguez ’05 got booted from Greenough into a Hurlbut psycho single. Well, it might have something to do with propensity for wanton, malicious urination. “It started with what seemed to be trouble hitting the toilet,” remembers traumatized former roommate Joyce K. Bhutto ’05. “Then there was the ‘accidental’ soiling of my shoes and the not-so-accidental peeing all over my desk, textbooks, stuffed animals, laptop and boyfriend.” Hurlbut resident and Assistant Dean of Freshmen Philip A. Bean is said to have purchased an umbrella...
...Cabot House: where the men are strong and the pigs are frightened...
...It’s weird how everyone thinks that people with British accents are smart. “Pardon me, but may I be excused to visit the lavatory?” asked Englishman Antony A.S. Friendly ’04 five minutes after the start of section last Wednesday. Despite spending 25 minutes of class “loafing in the loo,” Friendly received an A for the section when he asked his TF if she would “care for a spot of tea”...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Fred N. Kearns ’04 always has some sort of weird juice or something. “What are you talking about?” he asked incredulously as he sipped a mauve-colored liquid. “This is just a Thai iced tea from Spice. It’s delicious!”...Brenda G. Hofstra ’04 is unsure if she wants to live off-campus next year. “On one hand, it’s like I wouldn’t have to live in a House. On the other hand, I kind of like living in a House”...
...GOSSIP GUY MAILBAG: Horatio R. Sherman ’02, known to Gossip Guy readers as the über-WASP who was accused of fornicating with an underage, homeless crack fiend, writes to offer his side of the story. “I did not TOUCH that 14-year-old at the Owl,” he says. “She did not have a place to stay. She slept in our common room. Ask either of my roommates!” Further investigation revealed that Sherman in fact lives in a Pforzheimer single. He could not be reached for comment because he was busy fucking a crank-addled goat...