O Cable, Where Art Thou?

For Harvard students—denied cable boxes—UHF stations are the only source of in-room

televised entertainment. Since TV is never more entertaining than very late at night, FM proudly presents the definitive guide to non-cable television’s finest late late shows.

Sex Line Commercials
Channel 38, WSBK
Daily 12:30-5:30 a.m.

“You can have sex with the hottest girls in America,” claim the scantily clad young women advertising for 1-800-WE-ARE-18. This commercial, which airs throughout the early morning, showcases young women who “are ready to explode with you” for only $2.99-$5.99 per minute (depending on how wild you want to get). While the commercial appears to be marketed toward lascivious heterosexual men, computer fetishists are welcome as well. One blonde bombshell invites one and all to “let 18 be your lucky number” as she does research on her laptop (naked, of course). If the prices—or the 18-year-olds—scare you off, try 1-800-FREE-LOVE. It’s the same service, but with no advertised age and a lower price point. They still want to party, but for only $1.99 per minute.

Miss Cleo Psychic Readings
Channel 56, WLVI
Friday 2:30 a.m.

Although she hasn’t explained where she was on Sept. 10, America’s most famous dubiously Caribbean-accented clairvoyant still claims a keen ability to see the future. Through tarot cards and grammatically incorrect sentences, Miss Cleo offers her followers “a more informed future” regarding everything from romance to personal health. On her popular infomercial—filmed at an Atlanta radio station—Miss Cleo stuns viewers with cosmic insights into the lives of “random” callers. Among her incredible predictions: that a caller takes things “too personally” and that a woman’s dead mother did not die of a drug overdose.

Between revelations, DJ Lindsay Brien—formerly of “Real World: Seattle”—interjects with “That’s amazing!” in her high-pitched, Kerry Strug-like voice. Bert Weiss, host of the infomercial, attempts to build sympathy for the sassy psychic by portraying her gift as an onus: “These spirits are constantly bombarding her mind with messages that she just can’t ‘turn off.’ They wake her up. They talk to her while she’s in her car. While she’s at dinner. While she’s washing the dishes. While she’s lying on the beach. She can’t escape them.” Even more moving are Miss Cleo’s continuing struggles with sickle-cell anemia and cancer. “The woman is slowly dying every day,” Bert mourns. “She told me that the only thing she truly wants to see is her 13-year old daughter graduate from college.” (Can’t she already see it?) Despite her personal trauma, Miss Cleo has “felt da strong calling to help you find dat special person” and launched www.cleodate.com. There’s someone for everyone. Are you that someone? Let Miss Cleo show you the way! Love, power and fortune are waiting!

The Ananda Lewis Show
Channel 5, WCVB
Monday-Friday 1 a.m.

A former host of MTV programs such as “Hot Zone” and “Total Request Live,” Ananda Lewis has broken away from pop music and settled down in syndication. The self-titled talk show centers around compassion, as Lewis proclaims in her commercials: “I’ve always thought that if we could all walk in each other’s shoes for just one day, then we might have a little more empathy for each other.”

Why settle for shoes? On the Jan. 28 episode entitled “All About Bras,” Ananda helped women “feel more comfortable and more confident—without going under the knife” and revealed the scourge of American women: ignorance of their true bra size. Once Victoria’s dirty secret was revealed, bra specialists performed bra makeovers on guests and audience members. In one touching moment, a voluptuous woman tearfully revealed her difficulty fitting a bra to her 38 DD chest: “They aren’t breasts, they’re monsters!” Among Ananda’s other poignant topics: “Pregnant and Partying,” “Fixing Up Your Ex” and “Incredible Surprises for Mom.”

Victoria Principle’s “Principle Secret” Skin Care
Channel 38, WSBK
Tuesday 2:30 a.m.

Sweaty premeds who study late into the night clog their brains with information and their pores with oil. Combined with a lack of sleep, this leads to nasty breakouts and unattractive, unhealthy skin. Former “Dallas” star Victoria Principle claims to have discovered a solution. After authoring such creatively-named books as The Body Principle, The Diet Principle and The Beauty Principle, Victoria has joined with “a team of leading beauty experts to develop a revolutionary skin care system.” On the infomercial advertising her “Principle Secret” skin care line, Principle entreats viewers to get “a face-lift feel in just 30 minutes a day.” A contrived testimonial from desperate-for-cash “Little House on the Prairie” actress Melissa Gilbert confirms that Principle’s secret truly can “turn back time.” While the cream does appear to have reduced Principle’s facial wrinkles, her neck remains similar to that of an aged chicken, as flabby skin hangs from protruding bones that support multiple chins.

Blind Date
Channel 5, WCVB
Tuesday-Saturday 2:05 a.m., Sunday 12:35 and 1:05 a.m.

“Pop-Up Video” collides with reality-based television in this sensationalized take on blind dating. The premise is simple: cameras follow two strangers on a “typical” blind date replete with raging libidos in settings conducive to coitus. Post-date, producers add supposedly humorous commentary in white dialogue boxes that appear sporadically throughout the broadcast. After it’s all over, dates confess their feelings of love or repulsion to host Roger Lodge (don’t worry, no one else knows who he is either). On a recent episode, confident coquette Pamela met Tony, an electronics salesman with a knack for skirt-chasing. The two began the date with a long stroll on the beach, where Pamela dropped her robe and revealed a strapless two-piece bathing suit and an even tan. Feeling patriotic, Pam suggested they gather rocks and paint them red, white and blue to honor the devoted beach firemen. After a commercial break, Pamela downed too much bubbly and stripped down to nothing, dragging her date into the ocean.

How can you meet a trick like Pamela? Producers screen potential dates through an extensive online application (www.blinddatetv.com) where applicants describe their body type, eye color and level of education in addition to answering the crucial questions that can make or break any date: “What celebrities do you resemble?”, “What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done?” and—most importantly—“Describe three of your turn-ons.”

Not surprisingly, the “Blind Date” formula for compatibility sometimes fails. Miserably. Last week, Mark, a self-described humorist, attempted to seduce Raquel with his biting wit: “What do you get when you cross a potato with a penis? A dictator.” Worse, during the show’s “Hall of Shame” segment, Pete described what he looks for in a woman: “medium-sized breasts” and “a shaved pubic region.”

Talk or Walk
Channel 56, WLVI
Monday-Friday 3 a.m.

Breaking the mold of Jerry Springer-like talk shows, “Talk or Walk” balances its drama with conflict resolution. A couple comes to the show after encountering an impasse in their relationship. After the audience offers advice to the couple, they vote on whether the aggrieved member of the relationship should Talk or Walk. Last week, Katie brought her “zombie-vampire-gothic” boyfriend Jeff onto the show with an ultimatum: kinkify their sex life—or else. Jeff, who prefers “old-school missionary position sex,” finds Katie’s proposals and past performances outrageous. In addition to stabbing Jeff with an earring in a fit of passion, Katie has unscrewed hot light bulbs and charred his nipples. The final verdict? Sixty-three percent of the audience felt the couple should talk it out. Jeff ultimately acquiesced to Kate’s demands: “I love you. I don’t want to lose you. If you wanna get freaky then let’s do it. Let’s make funny sex voices using helium.” Last week’s topics also included “My Brother ‘Colleen’” and “Say No to Lipo!”