The Doctor Is In

Ben Berger here, doctor of philosophy and midwife of love. The editors of FM have asked me to provide you with insights and advice culled from my many years’ experience in the school of hard knocks, not to be confused with post-graduate education.

I have already negotiated many of the trials and tribulations that you may be facing now or quite soon: college (where I learned the value of getting eight hours’ sleep and three square meals a week), big business (a field in which I quickly earned the title of “Corporate Pariah”), self-searching travels (during which I tried to write the Great American Novel and finished not even the Great American Paragraph) and completion of an advanced degree.

I have TFed many Harvard courses and spent four years as a resident tutor. I’ve been through the college “hook-up” scene, the post-college dating scene, the long-distance relationship odyssey and even successful marriage. I’m likely to have a decent solution, or at least a smart-ass response, for many of your problems.

This week’s topic is the senior thesis. I teach two thesis seminars in the gov department and last week I met with a familiar sight. Gone were the relaxed, insouciant faces that had greeted me during the first semester. In their place were worried mugs, furrowed brows and the eyes of Greta Van Susteren (pre-surgery). One student couldn’t believe her project was falling so far short of her initial goals. Another said that the further he gets behind, the harder it is to concentrate. He’ll play video games, hang out with friends, watch TV—anything but thesis work. These two—and others—were afraid they couldn’t finish.

That got me to thinking that many of you, too, might have pregnant whale syndrome.

I don’t mean that you ate too much during intersession. But theses, like baby whales, have a very long gestation term. And everyone knows that you’ve been sitting on the nest all year long. So you start to feel that whatever comes out in the end sure as hell better be a whale. The prospect of anything less seems disastrous, and it paralyzes your capacity for work.

You should realize what whale and human mothers have known for years: whatever you produce will be good enough, just because it’s yours. And unless you want to do Ph.D. work in your current field—a decision that many of my colleagues would recommend only after you’ve been rejected by the French Foreign Legion—your thesis grade will have virtually no impact on the rest of your life. Just get it done.

Also, you can do a hell of a lot in under a month. One of my advisees wrote two-thirds of his thesis in the last three weeks. His diet consisted of cigarettes and Altoids, and he ran a grave risk of becoming spontaneously embalmed. But the human body has an amazing ability to recuperate and today he is a happy and successful alum.

One more piece of practical advice. Thesis graders, like dogs, can smell fear. Some take their cues from their first impression. Therefore, make absolutely certain that you begin and end well. Be confident, clear and eloquent. If you’re crunched for time, front-load your best stuff and recap it at the end, mentioning what you hope to add to current debates. In a best-case scenario your thesis would be uniformly fine, but if you’re struggling at this stage you should probably settle for a thesis that’s finished and a very good case of imported beer.

Now, for those of you who, like my seminar advisee, are having difficulty concentrating: much of your adult life will be a struggle to stay centered on the things most important to you in the face of a million distracting pressures. With so many options—not to mention neuroses—surrounding us, it can be difficult to focus on anything at all. These days I find myself skipping to the end of three-panel comic strips to see how they come out. But with a thesis staring you in the face, you have to go cold turkey on the other stuff. Give up the video games. Take up meditation. Refuse to leave your computer until you’ve written a new page. In four or five weeks you’ll have a brand new baby thesis, and hardly any stretch marks to show for it.

Trust me: the stakes are not that high, and everything will turn out fine in the long run. Just remember, there’s always the French Foreign Legion.