15

1. Reread the Gettysburg Address. Pondered its wise words, which speak to us still. Then, saw Crossroads.

2. Slept in.

3. Fired a musket at British kid who lives upstairs.

4. Published unsubstantiated allegation that new Lampoon President Ben F. Dougan ’03 is impotent.

5. Published well-documented allegation that new Lampoon President Ben F. Dougan ’03 is ugly.

6. Continued campaign of dumb stunts designed to annoy Harvard President Larry Summers into letting my student-led labor activist group decide how to spend Harvard’s budget. Today: Stand outside his house while he’s in Europe. Tomorrow: Panty raid on Loeb House!

7. Attended a mandatory hour-and-a-half section for Science B-29, “Evolution of Human Nature.” This was the worst so-called “holiday” ever.

8. Huh? [Chews, spits, continues feeding hogs.] Prezza-who-what?

9. Sang “La Marseillaise.” Oui, je suis français. Pour quoi?

10. Took a dump in a washing machine in Clav.

11. Gave a “presidential” banging to campus doorknob Vicky C. Hallett ’02. Everyone’s had a turn, get it?

12. Woke up at 8:40 a.m. Was running a little late, so I sprinted to the Science Center, which I noticed was unusually empty. Opened the door to lecture hall C. Empty. Fuck! Fuck President’s Day! Ran to Annenberg and dramatically toppled statue of John Adams in revolutionary, fall-of-the-Berlin Wall style.

13. Ordered a tomato-basil slice at Noch’s in lieu of my usual mushroom. Just as Madison did, lo those many years ago...

14. Drank only beers named after presidents: Busch, Sam Adams, etc.

15. What? Sam Adams was never president? I guess next you’ll tell me that I can’t honor Justice Thurgood J. Icehouse on Supreme Court Day.