A Night, Out of Love
For the coupled, Valentine’s Day is a gooey holiday: heart-shaped lollipops, cheesy greeting cards and a mutually dependent, sensitive partner who has strategically arranged rose petals on a bed draped in freshly pressed satin sheets. But for singles, the day can seem more like a burden as they endure exposure to public displays of affection and the abrasive hum of those three little words: “I love you.” Fret not! FM offers three other little words guaranteed to combat loneliness: Do it yourself.
Money can’t buy love and tenderness. It can buy a sugar-salve for a lonely heart: “Roses are red, violets are blue, have I got a big set of hooters for you.” With such catchy Valentine greetings juxtaposed with vagina-shaped chocolate treats, it’s no wonder Sweet-n-Nasty remains Boston’s most popular (and only) erotic bakery. Frisky patrons be warned—a large sign reads, “Don’t fondle the merchandise!”
Pay first, that is, and fondle later. The bakery offers miniature hearts that read “eat me,” “do me,” “69 me,” and “spank me.” In terms of phallic-shaped goodies, the inexperienced should start with the six-inch, white chocolate “Mr. Average” ($2.79), while the ambitious will easily down the foot-long milk chocolate “Mac Daddy” ($19.99). Chandra, a college student shopping for her “man” this Valentine’s Day, believes the latter item confirms a popular stereotype. “It’s true what they say about chocolate dicks!” she says. Like frosting? Try the cream-filled “Tall Texan.” Everything’s bigger in Texas.
After snacking on these treats, it’s time to move on to dessert. Sweet-n-Nasty offers nine specially designed cakes to satiate your hunger—whatever that hunger may be. “Breast Wishes,” the most popular design, features two large breasts with cherry nipples on top. “Make a wish and blow” displays a slightly curved penis, from testicles to tip, spanning the eight-inch ($20) and 10-inch ($24.95) cakes. Other design options: a dominatrix taming a wild masochist under the heading “I hope all your wishes cum true” and a strawberry-frosted vagina screaming “Eat Me.” Sweet-n-Nasty Erotic Bakery. 90A Mass. Ave., Boston. T: Hynes/ICA. (617) 266-7171. Monday-Friday 10am-7pm, Saturday 11am-6pm, Sunday 12-5pm. www.sweet-n-nasty.com.
Sugar-induced ecstasy may not completely satiate the solitary this V-Day. Venture to Central Square’s Hubba Hubba for some kinky, if not frightening, wardrobe and accessory ideas. Susan Phelps, the friendly 50-something owner of the store, removes any inhibition customers might have with her witty commentary on sensual fashion, masochistic accessories and, of course, sex. Phelps immediately identified FM as a seeker of latex briefs with a penis sheath ($40). “It’s like wearing a condom,” she suggests. “Some people don’t like it because their skin can’t breathe.” FM politely declined and began to examine a section of leather and plastic braziers.
The store’s sexy lingerie ranges from raw (a red leather corset tied up the front) to ambiguous (a shiny black teddy with frilly pink lacing that screams “virgin whore”). But don’t worry, the brand Lip Service—“pioneers of clothing for fashion freaks”—has designed its clothes to allow frankness and safety. For the professional woman seeking to show off her assets, transparent, 100 percent PVC plastic blazers are available for just $110.
These wardrobe items are staples at Hubba Hubba, but the store also offers special holiday items. “Sex toys are popular right now as Valentine’s Day approaches,” Phelps says. “Everyone wants better loving and better sex!” To accomplish these ends, Phelps keeps a wide variety of dildos and vibrators in stock. While the “Powerful Pulsonic Wand” is popular, Hubba Hubba employees prefer “the new generation” of vibrators, a generation which apparently includes “The Ultimate Beaver” and “The Waterproof Rabbit.” For a more cerebral workout, offer your friends “The Essential Guide to the Practice of Corporal Punishment...or, how do I get my partner interested in spanking?” ($18). “Restraints are very popular this time of year,” Phelps explains. “People want to hold that love in position.” Nipple clips available for $20 restrict blood flow to the chest and offer instruction in pain management. If whips, ropes and furry handcuffs don’t jive with the desired ambience, perhaps the “Pony Play Butt Plug” will. One of Phelps’ favorite items, it supposedly creates an animalistic, primitive feeling through the foot-long, pseudo-horse mane that dangles from its tip. “People underestimate the butt’s sensuality,” she says. “It’s okay to feel good down there too.” If the horse mane clashes with your cheetah-print lingerie, try the solid black 15-inch cone-shaped butt plug for $40. Reed, a salesman at the store, helpfully adds, “If you can fit this thing in, it becomes a speed bump for your intestines.” Hubba Hubba. 534 Mass. Ave., Cambridge. T: Central. (617) 492-9082. Monday-Saturday 12-8pm.
Toys are nice, treats are sweet, but sometimes for the lovelorn, wallowing in self-pity is the only option.
Options for said wallowing include:
The Grolier Poetry Reading Series. The Grolier Poetry Book Shop offers its 29th annual reading series, featuring 17 esteemed poets and writers, including 1996 Pulitzer Prize Winner Jorie Graham. The series of 13 readings between Feb. 19 and May 7 take place in Adams House and at the Fogg and Sackler Art Museums. For information, call Louisa Solano at (617) 547-4648.
The Boston Poetry Slam at the Cantab Lounge/Third Rail. The Lounge features a blues jam upstairs and a poetry slam downstairs. 738 Mass. Ave., Cambridge. T: Central Square. Wednesday 7:30-11pm. (617) 354-2685.
Poetry slams and jams at the Lizard Lounge. Sunday night features a poetry jam hosted by the Jeff Robinson Trio. 1667 Mass. Ave., Cambridge, between Harvard Square and Porter Square. (617) 547-0759. 21-plus. Open nightly 9pm-2am. Cover varies.
Stone Soup Poetry at TT the Bear’s. Poetry readings on Monday nights. 10 Brookline St., Cambridge. T: Central Square. (617) 492-2327.